The other day I was browsing through the website for Toomey's, a novelty underwear store, when I came across something that I'd vaguely heard about, but never actually seen: the "panty cap".

You may ask yourself, "What use have I for such a backwards unmentionable?" I asked myself the same question, and have since been wondering why such a cap is necessary. Of course, as promised, KGB had the answer (and I didn't even have to text them).

Through the brain fart commercials, I have noticed that an increasing number of people have been suffering from "involuntary releases of ignorance" (as KGB terms it). This recent phenomenon of not knowing an answer to a question has sent the world into a panic, and because we have inexplicably forgotten that we can turn to Google, iPhones, or even other more knowledgeable people (like teachers), these brain farts are moving forward with their destruction. By the time I reached the following commercial, I began to see the validity of these strange-looking panty caps, because I can only conclude that the next step after college-level brain farting is nothing short of leakage.

Until KGB can rush to restore you from your stupefaction, please wear your panty cap at all times. I cannot imagine what it would be like if every time we needed an answer, we began to leak ignorance into the street. It would be chaos.

I commend all women who have the ability to dress in scandalous versions of classic Halloween characters; ladies you really spice things up! I, for one, cannot allow myself to do this. Throughout the years, I have noticed a pattern in my Halloween behavior, and that pattern is that I take my Halloween roles very seriously; if I were you Alice in Slutterland, I would surely be in worse shape after consuming that many alco-pops.

• Not surprisingly, most of the slutty costumes are made for women who are well endowed. I can't imagine there's much of a market for child-sized pleather dominatrix...well, not a legal one anyway.
• I am a short female with a high pitched voice, pig tails, and a good mask. I've just set myself back 10 years--but unlike my 10 year old self, I cease to be pedophile bait once the mask comes off. What does that mean? I'm going trick or treating! You can't get free candy and look like a slut.
• Last year, I went out on Halloween as a serpent. I went out with my friends. We went to a party. The DJ was dressed as a fly. I licked him several times. Trying to eat him may or may not have happened.

This year I've decided to be Little Bo Reap (the Little Bo Peep that reaps your sheep), and it's a good thing there are not many live sheep in the city, or we may have a problem; scythe in hand, I've already visited three toy shops and robbed a few fluffy souls. I like to think I've been doing them good, considering they'll soon be living with demon children--you should see my brother's poor childhood lamb, or "Lambie" as he was called; the poor thing suffered more torture than a 17th century pagan; if I had been a Bo Reaper back then, I would have taken him good and early.

I like to feel that what I am doing for my stuffed friends is charitable. I am better off reaping sheep, than being a Little Bo Ho--I have a feeling that wouldn't turn out so well.

The list of endangered species is growing, and--as we all know--it is becoming harder (and harder) to get your hands on a good, rare bird. There is a solution to this problem. Although my bird smuggling experience has not spanned seas, I have fallen upon an object that facilitates avian obtainment--and since I love to help my fellow criminal--I've decided to pass my knowledge of this object along to you.

You will succeed in your plight of bird entrapment, but please do not disclose your successes to me. What you wish to do with an endangered animal is not for me to know; my only concern is that you get it. I do not wish to read about your plans of trick teaching, and I do not want a copy of your famous Goosepacho recipe--no matter how yummy it is. Just take the advice below, and you'll have your Goose before you can whisper "bump it."

The "Bumpit"--n. a plastic hairpiece, not to be confused with pump it: to amp up the volume, e.g. "pump it up!"; bump (1): to accidentally hit someone; or bump (2): a soon-to-be celebrity child--was created for style, but soon became the smuggler's golden (or nude-ish colored) ticket. The Bumpit's extended, half-moon shaped band allows you to create a large space between hair and Bumpit, cradling the bird within. A middle head position will provide a front hair mass to sweep over both Bumpit and bird--this will allow you to sneak past any airway security, or zoo personnel.

I understand that the above bird looks a little anxious. If you are fearful of a bird squawking giveaway, simply slip a tranquilizer in their feeding time crackers, and you're good to go. They'll stay nestled in your Bumpit hair-cave, and you'll get away with your bird-loot. "But is it stylish?", you ask. The Bumpit looks great on all types of hair, and all types of Janes--it's not just for glamorous models. Watch the video below to see how Big Happie Hair can contribute positively to your image, your self-esteem, and your animal heist.

If all goes according to plan, I will make an overly dramatic exit on a holiday--or other day of significance--and ruin it for everybody; then I will resurrect on Halloween--like any proper ghost, ghoul, or member of the undead clan--to scare the bejesus out of little children. But--save for the maggots crawling out of my ears and nostrils--I want to look good when I pull myself out of the grave.

Something that looks like this will do just fine (maybe with some added color).

What is the first thing someone sees when you rise from the dead? Your coffin. The coffin is your way of making a first impression, and I want mine to bear upon the urethra. It may also detract attention from the creatures living in my portas--I am sure they will want their privacy. Personally, I think the conception of Creative Coffins is genius.

The makers of Creative Coffins understand that rising from the dead is not a trivial dealing, and that a recurring coffin is like a recurring Minnie Mouse costume: tired and boring. This may be an issue when your coffin is built to last, but not when it is cardboard chic, like all Creative Coffins are--and like each one of my future coffins will be. Now that Creative Coffins are around, each year I will be able to rise with a trendier, scarier, more shocking piece.

Hey, maybe I'll even achieve posthumous fame--another reason why a Salem's lot box just won't do. I am all about rotting with my coffin--not just inside it.

The teen bee, also known as the popular girl, the queen bee, or--when referring to the male equivalent--the jock, is unforgiving, unrelenting, torturous, and fabulous. She is designer goods, and her recipe of glitter, rumors, and blackmail has gotten her to the top of the social ladder, where she and her posse rule the school. Despite her less than appealing personality, you both love her and love to hate her, which is why this diva's status is the most coveted in societeen. Don't cross this bee-otch unless you've got a good plan.

• How to Identify: The Teen Bee is a baser mixture of human that consists of a 20:20:60 blend of poly lycra evil. She fakes her look with a never-ending supply of confidence, Prada (designer varies depending upon location), and MAC makeup. If you live in my area, it is likely your teen will have highlights and a fake tan...and will still be sporting this look well after high school. A great way to detect your teen bee is to buy the latest issue of Seventeen magazine and to turn to the "this season's hottest trends" section. Behavior consists of excessive expenditure and/or overt displays of money the bee may or may not have, conceit, and making a part or full time job out of self-promotion. She also enjoys following the trends of popular magazines, mainstream culture, and popular music. Blasting the radio while driving in the car is a must (rolling down windows while doing this is also a must). After all, people need to know she is cool.
• Your Most Effective Weapon: WOMAN'S FLAT OR WEDGED BOOTIE.
• How to Rival: First you must get near the hive. You will do this with gifts that attract teen bees: small bottles of lip gloss, ring pops (diamonds!), or pigskins for the beefriend. Be nice, but subtle. Once you have been invited to the big game or party, you are in. Do not forget the bootie, it is your most important accessory; and, if I have not mentioned it already, the shoe must have a flat or wedged heel (NO STILETTOS). Stiletto heels have boomerang properties, and unless you want to be caught, you will follow my advice. Once you are in the crowd make sure your target is visible--it may be wise to practice on a "My Size Barbie" before the big day--because you've only got one shot. Throw with precision, and knock that teen bee straight off her high horse. If you're especially lucky, the horse will run away, and there will be no way for future teen bees to get atop the social ladder. If you are not that lucky, this process may need to be repeated within a few months.

So, you want to kill every last MoFo in the room? Well, I am here to show you the quickest and easiest way to do it. By giving you this information, I am also giving you top secret Philippine weaponry data, which you must guard carefully--lest the Philippine government discover that we, and everyone else on The Internet, know their secrets. The weapon that I am about to describe to you is superior to all other weapons in terms of killability, concealability, and stealth; it is the Unbreakable Umbrella.

This water resistant killing device is worth every bit of the $179.95 you will pay for it. It will allow you to whack your enemy into a coma, and shield you while you're doing the whacking. Not to mention it will shield you on your way to the (soon to be) crime scene.

Do you fear that The MoFo Slayer is only useable during the rainy season? Well put that fear aside. I had similar doubts, and so devised a list of umbrella uses that span the seasons. Here is a sampler: In Autumn, Spring, and Summer, it is easy to shield oneself without suspicion; one can use the umbrella for rain, falling leaves, flowers, sunshine, and, in recent times, meatballs. For our whitest season, the Unbreakable weapon transforms into a snowbrella. Not plausible, you say? In the following video we demonstrate how to take care of anyone who questions the validity of this useage:

My Prediction: It's you, in the coat check room, with the umbrella stick.

LIMITED TIME OFFER! Ensure your human's post rapture care for only $110 per human, per household (it's a steal!).

It has come to my attention that, in an attempt to detract publicity from money grubbing religious affiliations, a group of kindly atheists have decided to step up and grab some of the heat (and money) with their website Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is a program that (for a modest sum of $110) ensures animals a caring home after their devout owners are raptured. The Eternal Earth-Bounds may slap on an extra $15 for each additional pet, but this is an insignificant price for the assurance that, when you are gone, your furry loved ones will have a home with a confirmed animal loving atheist. If that's not a bargain, then I'm not a flamboyant Billy Goat.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is obviously on my scam-dar, but I am going to stop being cynical for a second to congratulate the entrepreneurial atheist who thought of this scheme: congratulations Sir., you get yours. We live in a tough economy, and if you can find an (albeit underhanded) way to make money, then I salute you. Unfortunately you screwed up, and it is my job to expose your screw up here:

• All Dogs Go To Heaven.
• All animals were saved on Noah's Ark (why should the rapture be any different?).
• Man HAS TO BE God's least favorite creation. Man has taken Earth's resources, drunk them in full during an all night bender, and then puked them back up on his Father's shoes; if you think about it, man is like the Elizabeth Stone of the creation family, and if anything is going to get raptured, I'd place my bets on the dog. Which leads me to my suggestion for a much improved Eternal Earth-Bound website called Eternal Earth-Bound Humans.

I wonder if any rich Cocker Spaniels would be willing to pay for this?

He was the Swayziest

Last night, we at Overlooked Headquarters were positively crushed to find out that our beloved Patrick Swayze (or "P.Swayz" as he is affectionately known around these parts) had passed away at the age of 57. Patrick was the first hunk I ever wrote about and clearly holds a special place in my heart.

I am not going to pretend that Dirty Dancing was one of the seminal movies that impacted my childhood and led me down this crazy path (my parents expressly forbade the viewing of such a racy movie). However, the film's soundtrack was on constant rotation in my home, and thus, I was exposed to Patrick's dulcet tones in "She's Like the Wind." It was true love forever after, not just for me, but for all of us.

Patrick Swayze led an extraordinary life and through his acting, singing and dancing (triple threat!), he brought joy to countless fans around the globe. Thanks to him, we gained the courage to never allow ourselves to be cornered. We learned the lasting power of true love. We discovered the joy of an epic wave. And we learned to thank Wong Foo for everything. Patrick truly gave us the time of our lives and we will forever be grateful.

As a tribute, I would like to share my favorite Swayze moment of all time.

At a time like this, it's comforting to think that Patrick and Chris Farley are dancing again up in heaven.

Remember, live every day like it's August 18. And above all, be Swayze to each other.

♥,
lengli

The number one reason for the creation of the Zaky (the disembodied hand pillows pictured below) is really touching. This reason, described by the inventor on the official website, goes exactly like this: "Zachary was born weighing less than 2 lbs. His mom wished she could cut off her hand to leave her loving touch, scent, warmth, and protection with him, so she invented the Zaky". Wow, what dedication! Dedication or delusion, you take your pick, since cutting off your hand would help your premature baby's health by about a none-shot.

Prior to creating the current list, I did consider writing 10 things I liked about the Zaky; unfortunately, I got stuck after "plushy exterior", and could not go any farther. So we're just going to have to stick with the original theme:

1. It violates The Addams Family copyrights. How? By copying the character makeup of Gomez's close friend, "Thing" (and I'm not entirely sure the whole hand design isn't poking fun at Things' bodiless handicap...not cool, Zaky, not cool).

2. There will be confusion between human hands and mommy simulating baby pillows. Although this confusion may not inhibit the child's early years, it will cause a slew of issues throughout adulthood. These issues include (but are not limited to): suckling your bosses handshake and offering pillowcases as gloves.

3. Why Mommy, what big hands you have! I am baffled by the design of the Zaky. It is supposed to simulate a parent's hand, but I do not know any person whose hands are the size of a human baby. The Zaky looks like an allergic hand with a bee sting.

4. It makes parents less involved. This is only beneficial to the child if the parent is a pushy stage mom, or Britney Spears.

5. It has hand fetish written all over it. Like strange, want to suck your (preferably fuzzy!) hands, fetish. Good thing the Zaky is a hand and not a foot, as if we needed more foot fetishes in the world.

6. It makes children dependent. I doubt it is good for the child's mental health to have a warm hand on his bum 24/7. I mean, what is going to happen when the kid reaches school age? Will he still need to be reassured by this warm hand? What about when he is an adult? Will he make his wife stick her hand up his bum so that he can sleep comfortably?

7. A child who uses the Zaky will grow up to want a marital relationship with the Snuggie. This is obviously problematic.

8. It will mold your newborn's impressionable head... into a hand-print.

9. It is a whole mountain's worth of creepy. Just look at those hands, and tell me you won't have nightmares about them tonight. The Zaky deserves its own B-Movie.

10. It ensures that your child will always enjoy the scent, warmth, and protection... of the padded walls and sugar free jello in a psychiatric ward.

No good can come of this.

We have all come into contact with scenesters, those trend-loving chameleons (often teens) who like to shed their skin more than a rattlesnake in heat. Typically, scenesters are a non-threatening sub-species, and so, in the past, I would have suggested you ignore them. But new studies have shown that scenesters can--in extreme circumstances--inflict damage upon the earth's Chi, and as a preventative measure, one should always have a defense plan against them, and possibly, some weapons on his or her person. This is why I have begun to create the "How to Rival..." guides: a group of guides that will aid anyone who wishes to combat a particularly disgruntled (or unbearably annoying) scenester. The guides can be especially useful to parents, but can also be a go-to resource for brothers, sisters, neighbors, or random people who cross scenesters in the street.

Thanks to the lovely creator of YourSceneSucks.com, we have made phenomenal advancements in identifying all kinds of scenesters. This week's scenester, the "scene" scenester, was chosen for his (or her) amazing ability to get his face all over the internet, and hide his face in the streets. Below you will find a description of this scenester, and our respective plan of contest. Get ready people, we're entering the battlefield.

• How to Identify: The scene teen usually sports a new age mullet that he refers to as "scene bangs," fully equipped with horizontal skunk scene stripes, and/or colorful low-lights that decorate platinum blond or black dye jobs. Clothing consists of bright, tight, skin bearing separates, accessorized with cute clips, and over-the-top plastic jewelry. Look out for excessive amounts of black eyeliner, and varying eye shadows. Do not be fooled by this scenester's cunning use of foundation, scene kids DO have lips. Genders not included.
• Your Most Effective Weapon: MAKEUP REMOVER.
• How to Rival: You may spot a scene kid carrying a strange looking "dead" toy called a skelanimal, which may seem intimidating. Do not be unsteadied by this scenester's plushy companion; skelanimals--like the scenesters who tote them--are fairly flimsy, and they will not stunt your plan of action. Approach your scenester. The first, and most important step in rivaling this breed is to lure it away from its herd, so that it is alone. When you have accomplished this, you will sit on its stomach, and with one hand, hold it down. With your free hand you will use the aforementioned makeup remover to wipe away the caked-up matter on its face--I find the counter-clockwise method to be the most efficient. Do not forget to bring a back up bottle of remover--scene kids wear A LOT of makeup. Wash the face thoroughly with remover, and--if it is available--throw a large, neutral shirt over the flashy clothing and jewelry. The idea is that once it sees the face of a human, it will mimic the dress and behaviors of a human.

If, at any point, I come across a more effective method of rivaling the scene teen, I will be sure to let you know. For this reason, the scene guide is subject to improvement. I understand that the scene scenester may not be the cause of your afflictions, and therefore, future "How to Rival..." guides will feature different scenes. If you feel your problem is dire, you may write to me requesting a specific guide, and I will do my best to make it a priority. If you cannot recognize which scenester is yours, please consult YourSceneSucks.com, and after making a positive identification, notify me of the exact specifications so that I can devise a plan of rivalry.