Top 10: People Who Shouldn't Have Been Allowed to Sing
If only this clip only lasted longer than 14 seconds! Few remember that David Faustino (aka D L'il) had a failed rap career in the early 90's, but "Married... with Children" helped highlight this with their spoof of Grandmaster B. Never forget again!
Now, to be fair, Eddie Murphy really can sing. However, his credits also include the infamous "Party All The Time", excessive hand claps, and that one extended note that just won't end (see 2:46 in the video and check out Rick James egging Eddie on!!), and no one is ever going to let him forget that.
8. Naomi Campbell
Apparently people were afraid of Naomi's temper even before chucking cell phones became her standard routine; hence, the reason for this album. If you need a better reason to qualify why Naomi is on this list, I have four words for you: COLLABORATION WITH VANILLA ICE.
7. Tina Yothers
Some might say that making fun of "Family Ties"-era Tina Yothers is a cheap shot. But those people clearly don't remember Jennifer Keaton's girl band (which her brother Alex would eventually rename "The Swinging Corporate Raiders") and the tutus that ensued.
6. Don Johnson
He's looking for a
HEARTBEAT!
If you don't believe the passion in his voice, there are explosions at 3:30 in the video.
5. Joey Lawrence
One Amazon reviewer candidly tells us why we should buy this album:
I picked up this masterpiece at goodwill on cassette for .99 cents. To put it lightly, I have 360'd my sex life around after this purchase. "How did you do this?" you ask... well, to make a long story short, I simply copied Joey Lawrence every way possible, and the lady-slump was over. I even had my grandma-ma knit me a vest just like the one he's wearing on the album cover. I do karaoke at the local bars, and I don't want to brag or anything, but all the mid-aged asian women are totally digging me. I wear the patent-pending Joey Lawrence vest, Georgio Brutini slacks, and some imitation polo sport (I'M NOT PAYING FOR THE LABEL!)that gets all the ladays worked up. I'm gonna go ahead and end this review by saying, you don't need hitch(you know, a hip talking african american) to get ladays, you just need this feel good album from 93.
p.s. if you can't get a vest like in the picture, a leather members only jacket will make a good substitute, good luck!
4. Brian Austin Green
Now don't get me wrong, Brian Austin Green is so precious to me. In fact, due to the fact that I at one point purely by accident almost exclusively dated boys sharing various incarnations of his name, I'm even of half a mind that he's my soulmate. But he really tested my love with this one.
Oh BAG, I can't stay mad at you!!
3. Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag are -
No, I'm sorry; it's too easy.
2. Bruce Willis
The general consensus on this album is that the majority of reviewers would like their lives and their ten bucks back: "Willis spoiled the life of the party and took away my mojo." Bruce's saving grace is that he at least seemed to be in on the joke.
1. Princess Stéphanie of Monaco
My brother postulates that Stéphanie is the number one "so wrong" singer of all time. "Ouragan" (or "Irresistible") was followed by "Winds of Chance", and both singles employed the tried and true method of doubling a weak singer's voice as many times as possible (see: Britney Spears). Isn't it amazing how one woman can single-handedly sound like the whole of Wilson Phillips?
By the way, if anyone can figure out exactly what is going on in the video above, you get a gold star. Poker in Macao followed by a kidnapping by Filipino fisherman followed by a "North by Northwest" type scene in a field with a crop dusting helicopter?
If I could stomach sitting through that Princess Stephanie video again, I'd so try for the gold star. I feel like the meaning of life may be floating around in there.
haha this is the best post ever!
ALYSSA MILANO!!!!
Don't we think that meaning of the Princess Stephanie video has something to do with constantly running from something and trying to find it (as it may well be the most important thing ever) and finding out that the scariest and most important thing in the world is. . . yourself? If that isn't an 80s value statement, I'm not sure what is. I don't have any guesses to the strange day-glow green cap in the sugar cane field though. That's truly baffling.
Gah, Renee, Alyssa Milano is truly an awful singer (bless her heart)!
Robin - nice analysis! To me, Princess Stéphanie just looks like the internet meme of that cat with a melon on its head - but to what end?!?
This is hilarious! Have you see Carl Lewis' video?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jamJ4-C_TME
A friend mentioned that Carl Lewis tried his hand at a singing career, but I had never actually seen it - thanks so much for the link! I love that he manages to be so inspirational even off the track, and even when being assaulted by a lustful old sugar mama and her siege of soap bubbles. You go, Carl!
I have a contribution - Val Kilmer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXIx1uxu3eE&feature=related
Val never made a video for this song, which I'm sad about. I would have loved to see him act/sing... unless this is the video. No, it couldn't be...Could it? He probably recorded the song and mixed it (terribly) on his computer. Could he have also put together a cheesy slidehow???
I think he stole the lyrics from his nephew's sixth grade christmas essay assignment.
Christmas Is Calling by Val Kilmer
"Peace is showing
Christmas is glowing,
Good God, don't you know?
Giving is all, there's nothing to fear now.
And the sleighbells ring (yes they do)
And the children sing (yes they do)
All over the world"
If you can't stomach the whole song, just fast forward to around the 3:00 minute mark to hear him break it down and sing too close into his mic. I don't know what to say about the recording quality. It's just bad.
Val Kilmer Top Gun's it when TMZ cameraman asks him about his new album: http://www.tmz.com/2008/01/09/val-kilmer-top-guns-it/
Thank you so much for posting this, Cindy - I wanted to include Val on the list, but the music of Val proved to be elusive on ShopWiki!
(Though had I seen him running, I would have most definitely made it work.)