Hunk Friday: He's all I need! And this paddle game. And this ashtray.

♪ Oh, I'm picking out a thermos for you
Not an ordinary thermos for you
But the extra-best thermos I can buy
With vinyl, and stripes, and a cup built right in
I'm picking out a thermos for you
And maybe a barometer too
And what else can I buy, so on me you'll rely
A rear-end thermometer too! ♪

Sincerest apologies to Tiny Tim, but never has a ukulele player looked this good. Steve Martin as Navin R. Johnson in "The Jerk" was the absolute pinnacle of idiot savant hunkitude and remains the romantic icon for all but the most cynical of intellectuals.

Every time I meet a potential suitor, I find myself comparing him to Navin. Would my date defend my honor against a snooty waiter attempting to pass off garden snails as an appetizer? Would he take a stance against the horrible practice of cat juggling? Would he let me throw knives at him in support of my artistic endeavors? The results are inevitably dismal, and I am forced to call things off.

Yes, the world can be a lonely place, but I refuse to lower my standards. So until that day when I find my very own Twinkie-eating, weight-guessing, special-purpose-having, oil-can-saving, Optigrab-inventing, no-rhythm-possessing hunk of man, I guess I'll be picking out my own damn thermos.

Sigh.