Hunk Friday: Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who's Got the Hunkiest Hair of Them All?

That hair, it's so...HUNKY.

There have been numerous times when I’ve been ashamed of my Thai heritage (in the 7th grade somebody asked me if it was weird for me to be riding a bus to school instead of a water buffalo). There have been even more times when I’ve been disgusted with the fact I am an American (watching George W. Bush win the presidential election—twice). But I never thought I would be ashamed of being Thai and American at the same time. That is, until last week after finding out Nicolas Cage’s new movie BANGKOK DANGEROUS was the #1 movie in the US.

Now I’ll ignore the fact that Nicolas Cage has been playing the same role (a caricature of himself) for the last two decades, was married to Lisa Marie Presley and is now married to a Korean a tenth his age and size because he knocked her up (Editor's note: Let's not forget that he named his son KAL-EL) but, seriously, Bangkok Dangerous?  Why is it that any movie or book that includes Bangkok or Thailand has to automatically involve drugs, hookers and guns?  I mean, as flattering as the rough 'n tumble, rock 'n’ roll lifestyle is, it's most definitely not for everyone.  This, however, isn’t even the real problem.

The real problem lies in Nicolas Cage’s hair.

Yes, that’s what I said - his hair.

Ode to my hair, by Nicolas Cage:
If you ever leave,
Baby, you would take away everything,
I need you with me,
Baby, don't you know that you're everything
Real in my life?

When I was ten, I asked my dad why there were so many different actors playing James Bond. Why couldn’t they just stick with one?  He told me it was because they had to get a new actor when the current one was starting to go bald.  James Bond can’t be bald, you see? "No action hero can be a hero with a receding hairline," he said.

I guess Nicolas Cage never got the memo.

Nicolas Cage’s hair is a fashion atrocity.  It’s a mullet—an old man’s mullet, considering he doesn’t have anything in the front anymore.  Forget enacting new laws against the paparazzi, there should be one against balding men growing out the rest of their hair, especially Nicolas Cage.  Why can’t he take a hint from Bruce Willis and just shave it?  Now there’s a classy guy who also knows when to let go of his mop and still be totally kickass.  I would have let it slide if it was the first offense but unfortunately, this isn’t the case.  Let's get in the time machine and go back a decade when a little movie called Con Air was released.

And there it is again.  The hair’s awfulness can be even more enhanced if you imagine Trisha Yearwood singing, “How Do I Live” in the background (it being the movie's theme song, and all).

Well Nic, I’m sure uncle Francis and cousin Sophia would be proud.

Author's Note: Thank you to Ian and Kat for editing my raging Asian tirade.

PS- I didn't want to do this, but I just had to.  This picture is priceless.

Oh so foxy!

Editor's note (NOT lengli--let's be explicitly clear on that, thanks. ♥, lengli, who despises Nic Cage with every fiber of her being): Let's not be too mean, now; Nicolas Cage has been in a few good films (although they make up a dismally low percentage of his filmography). Raising Arizona, Rumble Fish and Wild at Heart are all pretty spectacular, at least, if you like good movies. If you like popcorn, there's always The Rock, Con Air and... ahem... Gone in 60 Seconds?

Oh, who am I kidding. That is a terrible movie, even if it does have Angelina Jolie straddling a stick shift.