Sick? Me too!

Subways in flu season sucked worse before the advent of hand sanitizer.

You've got it. I've got it. That guy that coughed on you on the subway two days ago apparently had it. The good news? We all have the flu together. The bad news? In search of relief, we're all going to be reading a lot of "medical advice."

This "medical advice" will be very boring and give all sorts of "expert" tips like "eating fruits and vegetables" and "resting."

What I want to know, in the midst of my own recovery process, is why there's so much emphasis on health information being "correct" or worse, "helpful?" Why not advise people to do things because they sound like they might work? Heck, I do that all the time. And I'm going to do it right now.

Friends, I'm going to level with you: I'm running a fever of 102. I'm likely delirious and not a reliable source of information. But you know what? I'm no "doctor." I'm not "trained in medicine." I don't "read books," technical or otherwise. That's why I think you'll trust my advice. So here are my personal thoughts on the real reasons people get the flu, and what you can do to protect yourself.

INFLUENZA: The True Causes

Culprit #1: Sleep

You know how you always seem to wake up with the flu? Those horrible aches in your neck and back, that pain in your throat like somebody kicked you in it? You'd think that tall guy from Phantasm came to your futon overnight and kicked the crap out of you. Take it from me, friends; don't go to sleep and the flu can't get you. Well, at least it can't get you while you're sleeping.

My RX: Caffeine pills; Whatever the teenagers in Nightmare on Elm Street were shooting; Crack cocaine.

Culprit #2: Hydration

Nothing can survive without water--including the flu virus. And is it just me, or is nothing more uncomfortable when you have a fever than a cold toilet seat? Kill two birds with one stone: avoid the bathroom the entire time you're sick and don't let those nasty germs get an ounce of your body fluids by not drinking anything.

My RX: An espresso and Diurex cocktail at the first sign of the sniffles.

Culprit #3: Sick Coworkers

Okay, I get it, we're all poor right now. But it's still disgusting when people go to their jobs with what appears to be the ebola virus. Since so many people lately refuse to stay home when they're down with a bug, why not boycott the whole situation and call into work yourself? If you can afford it, take October through February off. Heck, do it even if you can't afford it. Your health comes first.

My RX: Watch a lot of the Montel Williams show and work on your online Dental Hygienist certification. Looking healthy, Montel.

Culprit #4: Repressing your germs

Did you learn about diffusion in 8th grade science? Me too! That's where I developed this theory: if you've got flu germs in your body and you want to lower their concentration, spread them to the outside as much as possible. Because by doing things other so-called health "experts" recommend like "washing your hands" and "using your own toothbrush" you're only trapping the germs in your body. So get out into a public place and start coughing on things!

My RX: Share the wealth, and be generous. For example, don't just touch the buttons on a Metrocard pinpad--rest a few used tissues on them. Better yet, get curious and see what a Metrocard pinpad tastes like. Yum!

No you guys, I can totally do some spread sheets, just get me my laptop.

Culprit #5

Okay, so this isn't an actual cause of the flu. But I figured if you took my other advice, you've been staying home all flu season and you can't afford to miss a day now that you're actually sick. Lucky for you, nothing beats the healing power of coworker pity. Set up an array of medicine bottles and a heating blanket at your desk and watch the sympathy roll in. If no one seems to notice, visit each person's cubicle personally and clear your nasal passages in their doorway. I guarantee that eventually they'll ask what's wrong with you.

My RX: Make it clear to everyone that 1. You are at death's door, and 2. It's contagious. Only a very precise balance of their compassion and animal fear can cure your flu.

Or not. I don't know, I kind of just made that up.

That's all for now, folks. I'm due for another swig of Nyquil. Until next time, stay healthy. And if you can't manage that, at least make sure that nobody else does.

Ed. note: A safe and happy Thanksgiving from all of us at ShopWiki! Overlooked will return next week, once we've recovered from the deadly flu + tryptophan cocktail.