10 Things I Hate About: 21st Century Vampires.

Just to be clear, I don't hate all vampires. In my opinion, Dracula (and his sexy widow's peak) should not, and will not, ever lose his position as an iconographic figure, unless the world goes mad and we play out Fahrenheit 451 (if you haven't read it, put down Twilight, and pick it up, you tweeny), and even then, I don't think so. No, Dracula can stay, and, hey Dracula, if you're out there, can you do me a favor? Bite off the head of every trendy vampire in town, they are ruining your legacy! Modern day vampires in their skinny jeans and red lipstick--which I guess they wear because it oh-so-conveniently blends in with the cafeteria fare--must be stopped, now.

1. Their fan fiction. I have never read Twilight, nor have I seen the movie, but I can only guess that it sucks big time. At this point, I don't care what the plot is, or why, after reading the book, teenage girls want to sharp shave their incisors. I blame Twilight for this sexy vampire craze and that is why it is number one on the hate list.

2. They walk around in broad daylight. This totally takes away their creepy factor! Do people have any respect for tradition? What happened to the days when sunshine turned vampires into sand art? Hey, Edward Cullen, why haven't your grainy remains ended up in an art kit yet?

3. Their Pushing of Bad Entertainment. The movie versions of novels are usually disappointing, but when bad novels spur bad movies, and even worse television series, the badness is bound to affect our equilibrium. It may be best to watch out for blood sucking Yorkies, lest this go any further.

4. Their groupies. "...teenage girls want to sharp shave their incisors".

5. Their sparkly skin. I understand wanting to make vampires pale because, well, vampires are pale, but sparkles, really? Maybe we should get our young vampires some skin care products for Halloween.

6. Their wimpiness. How 'bout you grow a pair and stop crying, you pansy! Need I remind you that you are the supreme master of the undead? You are immortal, you can fly, you suck the blood out of lowly humans such as myself, so why are you sitting there in front of the Style Channel, bawling into a Kleenex?

7. Their look but don't touch attitude. When a vampire loves a human, he should bite the human's neck so they can live in immortal wedlock (are you taking notes, Bill Compton?). These days, a vampire does not bite his human love interest, he just lusts over and protects her. Ew.

8. They drink synthetic blood. Or at least they do in the (TV) series True Blood. This is just PATHETIC. I think I'll go drink some cranberry juice and call myself a vampire now.

9. They are almost always teenagers. Why is it that you never see a middle aged vampire? Would this make vampirism any less interesting, or glamorous? And speaking of age, can we all consider that these vampires are actually, like, 175 year old men hitting on 17 year old girls?

10. They think they are worthy of Sarah Michelle Gellar. Aim lower, Casanova.

A warning to all 21st century vampires: I am building up my stake collection.