10 Things I Hate About: The Zaky.

The number one reason for the creation of the Zaky (the disembodied hand pillows pictured below) is really touching. This reason, described by the inventor on the official website, goes exactly like this: "Zachary was born weighing less than 2 lbs. His mom wished she could cut off her hand to leave her loving touch, scent, warmth, and protection with him, so she invented the Zaky". Wow, what dedication! Dedication or delusion, you take your pick, since cutting off your hand would help your premature baby's health by about a none-shot.

Prior to creating the current list, I did consider writing 10 things I liked about the Zaky; unfortunately, I got stuck after "plushy exterior", and could not go any farther. So we're just going to have to stick with the original theme:

1. It violates The Addams Family copyrights. How? By copying the character makeup of Gomez's close friend, "Thing" (and I'm not entirely sure the whole hand design isn't poking fun at Things' bodiless handicap...not cool, Zaky, not cool).

2. There will be confusion between human hands and mommy simulating baby pillows. Although this confusion may not inhibit the child's early years, it will cause a slew of issues throughout adulthood. These issues include (but are not limited to): suckling your bosses handshake and offering pillowcases as gloves.

3. Why Mommy, what big hands you have! I am baffled by the design of the Zaky. It is supposed to simulate a parent's hand, but I do not know any person whose hands are the size of a human baby. The Zaky looks like an allergic hand with a bee sting.

4. It makes parents less involved. This is only beneficial to the child if the parent is a pushy stage mom, or Britney Spears.

5. It has hand fetish written all over it. Like strange, want to suck your (preferably fuzzy!) hands, fetish. Good thing the Zaky is a hand and not a foot, as if we needed more foot fetishes in the world.

6. It makes children dependent. I doubt it is good for the child's mental health to have a warm hand on his bum 24/7. I mean, what is going to happen when the kid reaches school age? Will he still need to be reassured by this warm hand? What about when he is an adult? Will he make his wife stick her hand up his bum so that he can sleep comfortably?

7. A child who uses the Zaky will grow up to want a marital relationship with the Snuggie. This is obviously problematic.

8. It will mold your newborn's impressionable head... into a hand-print.

9. It is a whole mountain's worth of creepy. Just look at those hands, and tell me you won't have nightmares about them tonight. The Zaky deserves its own B-Movie.

10. It ensures that your child will always enjoy the scent, warmth, and protection... of the padded walls and sugar free jello in a psychiatric ward.

No good can come of this.