How To Rival Your Teen's Scene: The Teen Bee.

The teen bee, also known as the popular girl, the queen bee, or--when referring to the male equivalent--the jock, is unforgiving, unrelenting, torturous, and fabulous. She is designer goods, and her recipe of glitter, rumors, and blackmail has gotten her to the top of the social ladder, where she and her posse rule the school. Despite her less than appealing personality, you both love her and love to hate her, which is why this diva's status is the most coveted in societeen. Don't cross this bee-otch unless you've got a good plan.

• How to Identify: The Teen Bee is a baser mixture of human that consists of a 20:20:60 blend of poly lycra evil. She fakes her look with a never-ending supply of confidence, Prada (designer varies depending upon location), and MAC makeup. If you live in my area, it is likely your teen will have highlights and a fake tan...and will still be sporting this look well after high school. A great way to detect your teen bee is to buy the latest issue of Seventeen magazine and to turn to the "this season's hottest trends" section. Behavior consists of excessive expenditure and/or overt displays of money the bee may or may not have, conceit, and making a part or full time job out of self-promotion. She also enjoys following the trends of popular magazines, mainstream culture, and popular music. Blasting the radio while driving in the car is a must (rolling down windows while doing this is also a must). After all, people need to know she is cool.
• Your Most Effective Weapon: WOMAN'S FLAT OR WEDGED BOOTIE.
• How to Rival: First you must get near the hive. You will do this with gifts that attract teen bees: small bottles of lip gloss, ring pops (diamonds!), or pigskins for the beefriend. Be nice, but subtle. Once you have been invited to the big game or party, you are in. Do not forget the bootie, it is your most important accessory; and, if I have not mentioned it already, the shoe must have a flat or wedged heel (NO STILETTOS). Stiletto heels have boomerang properties, and unless you want to be caught, you will follow my advice. Once you are in the crowd make sure your target is visible--it may be wise to practice on a "My Size Barbie" before the big day--because you've only got one shot. Throw with precision, and knock that teen bee straight off her high horse. If you're especially lucky, the horse will run away, and there will be no way for future teen bees to get atop the social ladder. If you are not that lucky, this process may need to be repeated within a few months.