Slut The Fug Up! Why I Can't Dress Slutty On Halloween.

I commend all women who have the ability to dress in scandalous versions of classic Halloween characters; ladies you really spice things up! I, for one, cannot allow myself to do this. Throughout the years, I have noticed a pattern in my Halloween behavior, and that pattern is that I take my Halloween roles very seriously; if I were you Alice in Slutterland, I would surely be in worse shape after consuming that many alco-pops.

• Not surprisingly, most of the slutty costumes are made for women who are well endowed. I can't imagine there's much of a market for child-sized pleather dominatrix...well, not a legal one anyway.
• I am a short female with a high pitched voice, pig tails, and a good mask. I've just set myself back 10 years--but unlike my 10 year old self, I cease to be pedophile bait once the mask comes off. What does that mean? I'm going trick or treating! You can't get free candy and look like a slut.
• Last year, I went out on Halloween as a serpent. I went out with my friends. We went to a party. The DJ was dressed as a fly. I licked him several times. Trying to eat him may or may not have happened.

This year I've decided to be Little Bo Reap (the Little Bo Peep that reaps your sheep), and it's a good thing there are not many live sheep in the city, or we may have a problem; scythe in hand, I've already visited three toy shops and robbed a few fluffy souls. I like to think I've been doing them good, considering they'll soon be living with demon children--you should see my brother's poor childhood lamb, or "Lambie" as he was called; the poor thing suffered more torture than a 17th century pagan; if I had been a Bo Reaper back then, I would have taken him good and early.

I like to feel that what I am doing for my stuffed friends is charitable. I am better off reaping sheep, than being a Little Bo Ho--I have a feeling that wouldn't turn out so well.