Results tagged “I love the 90s” from Overlooked

Against all odds, there is a new man in my life. I cannot believe it's true, but each moment spent with him is like another day in paradise!

I remember the day we first met. I was running late to court, ready to testify for a case involving a crime of passion (it's always important to hear both sides of the story, you know), when all of a sudden, two hearts collided.

Isn't it crazy how strangers like me and my love could just randomly cross paths one day? I was running one way and he was running another. Quick as I knew it, we ran into each other and I was knocked to the ground.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" he spluttered, bewilderment sullying his handsome face and showing me his true colors.

"Is that the least you can do?" I asked with a wink and indicated for him to help me up. He happily obliged, and I could tell by his eyes that he would find a way to my heart no matter what. Even though I was somewhat scared--just who was this angelic creature to whom I was already pledged all of my life?--I remember thinking, "That's just the way it is," and surrendering utterly. Separate lives were thereby linked forever.

After that first encounter, as we said hello, goodbye, he called over his shoulder to me, "Don't lose my number." (Do you remember, darling?) Perish the thought!

Since then, it's been nothing but magic. I just can't stop loving you, Phil Collins. Just can't stop loving you.

Joaquin Phoenix of The Village and Ladder 49 fame has recently announced his retirement from the acting world. Oh, what will we do with one less former alcoholic actor in Hollywood (Editor's Note: Depend on Robert Downey Jr.)? Although Joaquin is a great talent and I think I speak for the entire movie industry when I say that he will be missed (Editor's Note: She doesn't), what concerns me is not the fact that he is leaving to pursue a musical career (we all know how that one goes; I'm looking at you Scarlett/Lindsay/Keanu) but rather that with his departure we will instead have to contend with Zac Efron.

For those who have been living in a cave with the Taliban for the last couple of years, Zac Efron is the current Disney poster boy and the star of the previously #1 movie in America, High School Musical 3: Senior Year. The thought of a young generation of movie-goers obsessing over the overacted and thinly-plotted (but somehow not trite) franchise that is High School Musical is scarier than seeing a fully grown and extremely hairy man wearing a diaper and a bonnet while sucking on an enormous pacifier as a Halloween costume on the chilly streets of New York City. You would think that no fully-grown adult male would perform such a disturbing act. You would be wrong.

But really, what I want to know is where in the world has quality educational programming gone? I find it hard to believe that TV execs can't find someone up to the task of substituting for Mr. Rogers, the immovable monolith of children's television. Blue's Clues may have been close, but that mushroom-induced Technicolor dreamscape was, at times, a little creepy. Pee Wee had a shot too, but then he had to go all stuff-shaking in a porn theater.

Mr. Rogers was a legend. He and his neighborhood made me so happy growing up because he was the only white guy I knew who changed his shoes when he went inside his house, something all of my friends perceived as freakishly obsessive and Asian. Other great shows, especially early-era Nickelodeon cartoons like Doug and Hey Arnold! made my childhood. These shows made dinner enjoyable for everyone; we could take endlessly about the seeming scientific impossibility of a football shaped head, or whether Patty really was the mayonnaise (I don't think she was, even after Disney took over).

Compare that to today, when I dread going home because, thanks to my nine-year-old sister, I know that my rice will undoubtedly be served with either the big-eyed future scandal machine Miley Cyrus, or the strangely so-good-looking-he's-prettier-than-most-of-my-girl-friends, Zac Efron. And this is after my list-topping most awkward moment of my life list, when I had to explain to my sister why the show starring Jamie Lynn Spears on Nickelodeon was cancelled. Damn those birds and bees and frisky teenagers.

My summer job working at Borders Bookstores was a horrendous experience, based solely on the fact that I was stuck in the children’s section, which I wouldn’t have minded if more people asked me where the new Mo Willem’s book was and not whether I was already sold out of the Camp Rock sticker book. And imagine how horrified I was to find out that, after selling it to twelve year olds all summer, the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer contains some very graphic sex scenes (to be clear, I never recommended the books, thank God. I only commented that they seem to be very popular when anyone asked about them—as if that helps my conscience). Plus, you know, undead vampire romances really don't make good literature, but they sure do sell real good.

So here is my plea to Disney and Nickelodeon: please stop obsessing about making money and do your job, which you used to do so well not so many years ago.

And with that, I proclaim Mr. Rogers, Doug Funny, and Arnold our Hunks this Friday. May the three glorious and educational shows rest in peace in TV heaven.

(Editor's Note - If PBS played nothing but Mr. Rogers re-runs from now until the end of time, I don't think anyone would be mad. The marketing practiced by these two children's television networks has transmogrified into a terrifying mashup of sex, pop-culture and bubblegum. It's like a Girl Talk record for children, only in visual form and without being any good. This, ladies and gentleman, is why I won't let my children watch anything but Nova.)

You can say all you want about the "new" Beverly Hills, 90210, but I'm not buying into it. I don't care if Arrested Development's impeccable Jessica Walter is there burning the Peach Pit to the ground; I don't care if Degrassi: The Next Generation's resident good girl gone bad, Shenae Grimes, is falsely accusing the entire West Beverly High staff of molestation.

Sure they've gotten Donna Martin, Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh. Hell, they've even got Nat Bussichio. Big deal. They could get Jim and Cindy Walsh, Emily Valentine, and bring Scott Scanlon back from the dead and I still wouldn't bat an eye.

The CBS store can engrave all the iPod Nanos it wants with the likenesses of the classic and iconic cast. No matter how tempting (so very tempting!!!) this all may be, one fact remains.

NONE OF THIS MATTERS.

Without his structurally impenetrable wall of hair, no one is safe from the perils of daily life. Without his sage advice, young adults will inevitably fall into trap after dangerous trap. Without the glue that holds all its residents together, there is no 90210 zip code.

Brandon Walsh - we need you. Now more than ever. Please come home.

What is it about Dylan McKay that made millions of teenaged girls collectively swoon as one? Was it the swagger? The "it-hurts-too-much-to-speak-so-I'm-just-going-to-stand-here-and-brood" raspy voice? The hot car? The tortured perma-wrinkles on his forehead (I was convinced that if I stared hard enough I would eventually be able to see into his soul)?

The most famous faux teen ever to grace the halcyon glow of the television screen, Dylan McKay was a legend - nay, an icon. Guys wanted to be him, women wanted to be with him. Rumor has it the real reason Shannen Doherty left the show was because she was put in traction by a gaggle of jealous teen girls after her character, Brenda Walsh, cheated on Dylan on a study abroad to Paris. It nearly six months for all of the welts to go down, by which time it was too late: Doherty had already snapped.

Years later, the allure is still there, transcending time. Luke Perry may be a strapping 68 years old, but Dylan McKay is forever preserved as a sprightly quadragenarian tearing up the Pacific on his surfboard, the sunset reflecting off his perfectly spiked hair.

Though Kelly Taylor might have said "I CHOOSE ME", we here at Overlooked will never let him go. Always and forever, sweet prince. Always and forever.

Overheard: Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez at a novelty gift shop at the Mall of America*
Lopez: Hey Preppie! ...err Mark...sorry man, old habits die hard.
Gosselaar: No worries, man. 'Sup?
Lopez: Looking at all this ALF merchandise really brings back some awesome memories. Like remember that time [inaudible]?
Gosselaar: Man, you were so waaaaaaaaaaasted!!! And you always said you wouldn't take your shirt off for less than $200 an hour.
Lopez: Yeah, like you didn't join in! Man, Tijuana has never been the same.
Gosselaar: Man, those were the days....
Lopez: Yeah, man.....
Gosselaar: It's a good thing the paparazzi wasn't like they are now - we wouldn't have gotten away with anything!
Lopez: ....
Gosselaar: Man, we woulda been toast!
Lopez: ....
Gosselaar: Mario?
Lopez: Man, you better come take a look at this....
Gosselaar: ....
Lopez: BEEFCAKES?!? Man, I thought you said no one would ever see those pictures!!
Gosselaar: (Making a 'T' with his hands) Whoa whoa whoa - TIME OUT!
Lopez: ...Uh, that doesn't work in real life, man.
Gosselaar: Aw man. That's one release form I wish I never signed. TIME IN!
Lopez: (Smacks forehead)

They might be embarrassed, but you'll be the coolest kid in school with this attractive "Saved by the Bell" lunchbox!

*May or may not be true.

Remember Crystal Pepsi? It seems the executives in charge of that debacle still think the idea has legs.  They've brought a new product to market that will do for phlegm tablets what Crystal Pepsi did for soft drinks. Introducing Clear Phlegm!