Results tagged “New York” from Overlooked

So it begins....

As I was walking down the streets of New York--on what I thought was my bespoken path--there arose a small but surmountable fumble in my journey. As I looked further ahead, I saw that the obstruction took the form of two obnoxiously slow men...loiterers if you will. At this point I knew that, in order to continue on my merry journey, I would have to bypass them.

A strategy was already a-brewin'.

At first chance, I outflanked Big John--the right hand man--with a skillful L-turn; avoiding all obstacles, saving all time. But before I could rush away unscathed, I caught a snippet that drew my attention backwards. The pint-sized character now had my undivided attention--and just as I was about to dispose them from my memory!

Pint Size: "Does she know who I am, walkin' all fast; where she gotta go?".

Let me preface this next part by stating that I am a non-confrontational, non-judgmental type person, but in this situation, the sidewalk rage overtook me. These self-absorbed fools who did not even have the courtesy to move over were complaining about my pace? They were walking 20 mph below the speed limit! At this point I observed--to my delight--that the pint-sized one looked like Ja-Rule. Man, would he ever feel small when I put him in his place.

She's realer than he is, I'd wager

So it continued: I glared back icily and give my most "Oh no you did not" stare:

Me: "You know, if you would pull up your trousers a bit so's that your crotch isn't hanging at your ankles, then your legs would be able to have a stride of much bigger breadth. This would allow you and probably everyone around you to actually walk. Now I know that it can't be comfortable that 6 inches of material is trapped underneath your Nike--this must explain why your right leg drags more than RuPaul."

Ja and B.J.: *blank stare*

Me: "Excuse me, what is your name again?"

Ja and B.J.: *blank stare*

Me: "I am sorry, but before you answer I must interrupt, well because, I have to say that I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS what your name is. See, I just turned down East 2nd, which means that I am on my street. I imagine that, judging from your attitude, you are spoiled and unaccustomed to people disrespecting you, or even *gasp* passing you without ogling your diamond encrusted dental crowns--which you would not need if you had any hygiene."

Ja and B.J.: *blank stare*

Me: "I'm sorry, did I confuse you with my hygiene remark? Well then, allow me to give you this analogical example: if you were flying your private jet and all of the sudden, Jay-Z and Timbaland started crowding your airspace, you would be pretty brassed off--chances are good that you would even call J-Lo to complain that it ain't real. So now that we're in my neighborhood, I'd like you to back that ass out of my airspace because this is my runway, and I'm ready for take-off."

After all was said and done, I looked back down the street and thought, "That would have gone nicely with my icy stare". And stepping into my apartment, I vowed that the next hip hop star to cross my path would certainly get it.

Ed. note: A big ShopWiki welcome to Danielle, our newest writer!