Results tagged “as seen on TV” from Overlooked
The list of endangered species is growing, and--as we all know--it is becoming harder (and harder) to get your hands on a good, rare bird. There is a solution to this problem. Although my bird smuggling experience has not spanned seas, I have fallen upon an object that facilitates avian obtainment--and since I love to help my fellow criminal--I've decided to pass my knowledge of this object along to you.
You will succeed in your plight of bird entrapment, but please do not disclose your successes to me. What you wish to do with an endangered animal is not for me to know; my only concern is that you get it. I do not wish to read about your plans of trick teaching, and I do not want a copy of your famous Goosepacho recipe--no matter how yummy it is. Just take the advice below, and you'll have your Goose before you can whisper "bump it."
The "Bumpit"--n. a plastic hairpiece, not to be confused with pump it: to amp up the volume, e.g. "pump it up!"; bump (1): to accidentally hit someone; or bump (2): a soon-to-be celebrity child--was created for style, but soon became the smuggler's golden (or nude-ish colored) ticket. The Bumpit's extended, half-moon shaped band allows you to create a large space between hair and Bumpit, cradling the bird within. A middle head position will provide a front hair mass to sweep over both Bumpit and bird--this will allow you to sneak past any airway security, or zoo personnel.
How you will appear to others.
An Inside View.
I understand that the above bird looks a little anxious. If you are fearful of a bird squawking giveaway, simply slip a tranquilizer in their feeding time crackers, and you're good to go. They'll stay nestled in your Bumpit hair-cave, and you'll get away with your bird-loot. "But is it stylish?", you ask. The Bumpit looks great on all types of hair, and all types of Janes--it's not just for glamorous models. Watch the video below to see how Big Happie Hair can contribute positively to your image, your self-esteem, and your animal heist.
The Generation X of cleaning products
Taking inspiration from Renee's all-time favorite ShopWiki search, I was browsing through items labeled as "poop" this afternoon (some days are harder than others). While it's certainly true that there are a plethora of interesting poop products to be found, none intrigued me so much as the pet stain and odor remover shown at right.
Listen, I've owned pets: cats and dogs that defecate and vomit all over the place, and for no good reason other to embarrass their owner and make her look like a scumbag. Well done, pets, you get a treat. Oh, my hot date just stepped in a pool of warm urine? All in the name of seduction, friends. No, there's no time to clean that up: what, do you think I get all of these hot dates by spending time spraying and vacuuming? You were going to take your socks off anyway: problem solved.
But wait. It's precisely potty-mouthed lowlifes like me to whom the DogGone Poops, Oops, and Barf Stain Remover is marketed. You know the ad execs sitting around their big mahogany table were just itching to tap into that key under-30 demographic that is notoriously too lazy to clean house. "Dammit guys," one of them (Gil, most likely) exclaimed one day. "Cleaning can't be all about Martha Stewart and weirdo bald guys. We have to get ON THEIR LEVEL. Let's make it edgy."
With a previously unemployed tactic of vernacularization and hip-to-it-ism, Gil and company envisioned keggers and clean-up coexisting peacefully, generations of frat guys trotting out their hilariously-named all-natural spray just seconds after Rex, the house mascot, pukes all over the beer pong table after being fed too much canned bean dip. "Chill, man, it's ok," they would argue, "You go crank up the DMB. I got this."
Mission accomplished, bro. Mission accomplished.
Grown-up me still suffers from insomnia and still indulges in the Billy Mays' infomercials. Because of this, I've decided to start BILLY MAYS' MONDAYS! woooo! Each week I'll pick a product from Billy's arsenal. Sadly, I have most likely owned the product or at least known someone who has. If I haven't, I'll do my best to lie to you and pretend like I have. Hell, I may even buy it in preparation for the blog! Hercules Hooks, here I come!
(C2H6Na4O12) in the House!
Naturally, the first product on Billy Mays' Mondays has to be OxiClean. This is the product that introduced us to the man, no, the mystery, that is Billy Mays. As stated previously, I watched many an OxiClean infomercial so upon leaving home at 18, I decided that OxiClean would be my very first detergent purchase. This is a true story. I'm not BS'in you. I was very excited, buying everything I needed to settle my very first apartment and even more excited about doing laundry. That's where the excitement ended. OxiClean does not make laundry fun and it's just like any other detergent aside from turning into hydrogen peroxide when it dissolves in water. I never bought OxiClean again but it will always have a special place in my heart. If it were not for this product, Billy Mays may have never touched my life and the lives of others. Who wants to live in a world like that!?
