Results tagged “dogs” from Overlooked

LIMITED TIME OFFER! Ensure your human's post rapture care for only $110 per human, per household (it's a steal!).

It has come to my attention that, in an attempt to detract publicity from money grubbing religious affiliations, a group of kindly atheists have decided to step up and grab some of the heat (and money) with their website Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is a program that (for a modest sum of $110) ensures animals a caring home after their devout owners are raptured. The Eternal Earth-Bounds may slap on an extra $15 for each additional pet, but this is an insignificant price for the assurance that, when you are gone, your furry loved ones will have a home with a confirmed animal loving atheist. If that's not a bargain, then I'm not a flamboyant Billy Goat.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is obviously on my scam-dar, but I am going to stop being cynical for a second to congratulate the entrepreneurial atheist who thought of this scheme: congratulations Sir., you get yours. We live in a tough economy, and if you can find an (albeit underhanded) way to make money, then I salute you. Unfortunately you screwed up, and it is my job to expose your screw up here:

• All Dogs Go To Heaven.
• All animals were saved on Noah's Ark (why should the rapture be any different?).
• Man HAS TO BE God's least favorite creation. Man has taken Earth's resources, drunk them in full during an all night bender, and then puked them back up on his Father's shoes; if you think about it, man is like the Elizabeth Stone of the creation family, and if anything is going to get raptured, I'd place my bets on the dog. Which leads me to my suggestion for a much improved Eternal Earth-Bound website called Eternal Earth-Bound Humans.

I wonder if any rich Cocker Spaniels would be willing to pay for this?

No, this entry is not about the underground market of buying and selling infants, which by the way, is totally appalling, it is about the disturbing DISTURBING way people substitute animals for children. It really peeves me. Your dog or cat is NOT A BABY, so stop treating it like one.

Exhibit A.

Something is extremely wrong in this world when the only wheelchair-friendly subway seat is occupied by a dog stroller. Yes, that is right: a dog stroller. The damned dog can walk, can't he? In fact, I believe that, unlike humans, dogs actually like to exercise. Which brings me to the most ridiculous pet-related thing I ever saw: the puppoose. The puppoose transforms your pet into a furry, drooling, designer handbag that companies like to market under the guise of "dog carrier". On top of it being a totally useless and deprecatory invention, you can't even fit your cell phone into the side pockets (A.K.A. your dog's ears).

Please shield your eyes if you cannot handle disquieting images:

Why would anyone subject poor little animals to this sadistic torture? Dress them up, and parade them about in a high chair while they stare covetously at the freely frolicking strays? How would the owners like it if someone dressed them as Harry Potter and fed them Puppy Chow milkshakes out of a baby bottle? They would not like it one bit, no sir.

Message to all those who treat their pet like a child: Make love, not warped pet babies. Then you may actually get a real baby, and you can let your pet be, like, an animal.

Message to stupid posh pet stores: Stop feeding into this psychosis, it is only making these owners sicker!

The Generation X of cleaning products

Taking inspiration from Renee's all-time favorite ShopWiki search, I was browsing through items labeled as "poop" this afternoon (some days are harder than others). While it's certainly true that there are a plethora of interesting poop products to be found, none intrigued me so much as the pet stain and odor remover shown at right.

Listen, I've owned pets: cats and dogs that defecate and vomit all over the place, and for no good reason other to embarrass their owner and make her look like a scumbag. Well done, pets, you get a treat. Oh, my hot date just stepped in a pool of warm urine? All in the name of seduction, friends. No, there's no time to clean that up: what, do you think I get all of these hot dates by spending time spraying and vacuuming? You were going to take your socks off anyway: problem solved.

But wait. It's precisely potty-mouthed lowlifes like me to whom the DogGone Poops, Oops, and Barf Stain Remover is marketed. You know the ad execs sitting around their big mahogany table were just itching to tap into that key under-30 demographic that is notoriously too lazy to clean house. "Dammit guys," one of them (Gil, most likely) exclaimed one day. "Cleaning can't be all about Martha Stewart and weirdo bald guys. We have to get ON THEIR LEVEL. Let's make it edgy."

With a previously unemployed tactic of vernacularization and hip-to-it-ism, Gil and company envisioned keggers and clean-up coexisting peacefully, generations of frat guys trotting out their hilariously-named all-natural spray just seconds after Rex, the house mascot, pukes all over the beer pong table after being fed too much canned bean dip. "Chill, man, it's ok," they would argue, "You go crank up the DMB. I got this."

Mission accomplished, bro. Mission accomplished.

I feel like these two costumes could be used interchangeably.

Size matters not.