Results tagged “faux teen” from Overlooked

The teen bee, also known as the popular girl, the queen bee, or--when referring to the male equivalent--the jock, is unforgiving, unrelenting, torturous, and fabulous. She is designer goods, and her recipe of glitter, rumors, and blackmail has gotten her to the top of the social ladder, where she and her posse rule the school. Despite her less than appealing personality, you both love her and love to hate her, which is why this diva's status is the most coveted in societeen. Don't cross this bee-otch unless you've got a good plan.

How to Rival Your Teen's Scene

The Breed: Teen Bee: The only thing worse than her inflated self esteem, is her inflatable bra.

• How to Identify: The Teen Bee is a baser mixture of human that consists of a 20:20:60 blend of poly lycra evil. She fakes her look with a never-ending supply of confidence, Prada (designer varies depending upon location), and MAC makeup. If you live in my area, it is likely your teen will have highlights and a fake tan...and will still be sporting this look well after high school. A great way to detect your teen bee is to buy the latest issue of Seventeen magazine and to turn to the "this season's hottest trends" section. Behavior consists of excessive expenditure and/or overt displays of money the bee may or may not have, conceit, and making a part or full time job out of self-promotion. She also enjoys following the trends of popular magazines, mainstream culture, and popular music. Blasting the radio while driving in the car is a must (rolling down windows while doing this is also a must). After all, people need to know she is cool.
• Your Most Effective Weapon: WOMAN'S FLAT OR WEDGED BOOTIE.
• How to Rival: First you must get near the hive. You will do this with gifts that attract teen bees: small bottles of lip gloss, ring pops (diamonds!), or pigskins for the beefriend. Be nice, but subtle. Once you have been invited to the big game or party, you are in. Do not forget the bootie, it is your most important accessory; and, if I have not mentioned it already, the shoe must have a flat or wedged heel (NO STILETTOS). Stiletto heels have boomerang properties, and unless you want to be caught, you will follow my advice. Once you are in the crowd make sure your target is visible--it may be wise to practice on a "My Size Barbie" before the big day--because you've only got one shot. Throw with precision, and knock that teen bee straight off her high horse. If you're especially lucky, the horse will run away, and there will be no way for future teen bees to get atop the social ladder. If you are not that lucky, this process may need to be repeated within a few months.

Why, yes, I am curious. What the hell is that smell?!

Britney Spears (or rather, her people) have been pushing a lot of merchandise lately. She's got a documentary, a new album, the covers of several magazines, and as we all remember from those innocent early 2000s, two perfumes: Fantasy and Curious. Though I've never sampled Fantasy myself, I have definitely borrowed some of my tween sister's Curious hand lotion in a pinch. My thoughts? That it's appropriate that Britney's new album is called "Circus" since she apparently smells like one--this stuff could only be described as "essence of cotton candy." Not that cotton candy smells bad. Quite the opposite. But though it does smell quite yummy, I will not purchase Britney's signature scent for three reasons:

1. When I wear perfume, I want boys to feel lusty, not hungry.
2. Isn't a scent supposed to be indefinable? I don't want people to start guessing when I enter a room. "Omg, is somebody eating a Twinkie?" "No, sorry, that's my perfume."
3. I'm cheap.

That's right. I don't want to spend spend $50 on an aroma I could achieve by tucking a cookie down my bra. The good news is, you can solve a multitude of these problems with "Curious" by not buying it--and investing in these alternatives instead.

1. Opium. I don't think this smells anything like Curious, but I'll bet my bootlegged copy of Blackout that it's sexier.
2. Jessica Simpson's Dessert line. At least this way when you smell edible, you actually are. No false advertising!
3. Juice Bar. That's right, you can smell EXACTLY like something (no mystery here!) for a very low price. Seriously, a couple of bucks in a drug store. Cotton Candy, Gummi Bears--go nuts. Well, if they even make this stuff anymore. It's been a while since I was in junior high and now I'm not sure.

Anyway, here's to you, Britney, and your lowest common denominator products! Teenaged girls and middle class cougars alike will love you for it.

Whether you love or hate Sarah Palin, you've got to admire her crispy updos. Undoubtedly meant to recall simpler times when the Aqua Net flowed freely, and obviously seeking to bring back memories of past White House women (she does know Jackie O was a Democrat, right?), Sarah Palin's hair is as steadfast as her resolve against abortion.

It's also vaguely reminiscent of my 1996 prom issue of Seventeen magazine.

Coincidence? I'll let you decide. Let's just say the looks are about as similar as a hockey mom and a pit bull inexplicably wearing lipstick!

You can say all you want about the "new" Beverly Hills, 90210, but I'm not buying into it. I don't care if Arrested Development's impeccable Jessica Walter is there burning the Peach Pit to the ground; I don't care if Degrassi: The Next Generation's resident good girl gone bad, Shenae Grimes, is falsely accusing the entire West Beverly High staff of molestation.

Sure they've gotten Donna Martin, Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh. Hell, they've even got Nat Bussichio. Big deal. They could get Jim and Cindy Walsh, Emily Valentine, and bring Scott Scanlon back from the dead and I still wouldn't bat an eye.

The CBS store can engrave all the iPod Nanos it wants with the likenesses of the classic and iconic cast. No matter how tempting (so very tempting!!!) this all may be, one fact remains.

NONE OF THIS MATTERS.

Without his structurally impenetrable wall of hair, no one is safe from the perils of daily life. Without his sage advice, young adults will inevitably fall into trap after dangerous trap. Without the glue that holds all its residents together, there is no 90210 zip code.

Brandon Walsh - we need you. Now more than ever. Please come home.

What is it about Dylan McKay that made millions of teenaged girls collectively swoon as one? Was it the swagger? The "it-hurts-too-much-to-speak-so-I'm-just-going-to-stand-here-and-brood" raspy voice? The hot car? The tortured perma-wrinkles on his forehead (I was convinced that if I stared hard enough I would eventually be able to see into his soul)?

The most famous faux teen ever to grace the halcyon glow of the television screen, Dylan McKay was a legend - nay, an icon. Guys wanted to be him, women wanted to be with him. Rumor has it the real reason Shannen Doherty left the show was because she was put in traction by a gaggle of jealous teen girls after her character, Brenda Walsh, cheated on Dylan on a study abroad to Paris. It nearly six months for all of the welts to go down, by which time it was too late: Doherty had already snapped.

Years later, the allure is still there, transcending time. Luke Perry may be a strapping 68 years old, but Dylan McKay is forever preserved as a sprightly quadragenarian tearing up the Pacific on his surfboard, the sunset reflecting off his perfectly spiked hair.

Though Kelly Taylor might have said "I CHOOSE ME", we here at Overlooked will never let him go. Always and forever, sweet prince. Always and forever.