Results tagged “guides” from Overlooked

We have all come into contact with scenesters, those trend-loving chameleons (often teens) who like to shed their skin more than a rattlesnake in heat. Typically, scenesters are a non-threatening sub-species, and so, in the past, I would have suggested you ignore them. But new studies have shown that scenesters can--in extreme circumstances--inflict damage upon the earth's Chi, and as a preventative measure, one should always have a defense plan against them, and possibly, some weapons on his or her person. This is why I have begun to create the "How to Rival..." guides: a group of guides that will aid anyone who wishes to combat a particularly disgruntled (or unbearably annoying) scenester. The guides can be especially useful to parents, but can also be a go-to resource for brothers, sisters, neighbors, or random people who cross scenesters in the street.

Thanks to the lovely creator of YourSceneSucks.com, we have made phenomenal advancements in identifying all kinds of scenesters. This week's scenester, the "scene" scenester, was chosen for his (or her) amazing ability to get his face all over the internet, and hide his face in the streets. Below you will find a description of this scenester, and our respective plan of contest. Get ready people, we're entering the battlefield.

How to Rival Your Teen's Scene

The Breed: Scene: The teen so scene he doesn't need any title other than "scene".

• How to Identify: The scene teen usually sports a new age mullet that he refers to as "scene bangs," fully equipped with horizontal skunk scene stripes, and/or colorful low-lights that decorate platinum blond or black dye jobs. Clothing consists of bright, tight, skin bearing separates, accessorized with cute clips, and over-the-top plastic jewelry. Look out for excessive amounts of black eyeliner, and varying eye shadows. Do not be fooled by this scenester's cunning use of foundation, scene kids DO have lips. Genders not included.
• Your Most Effective Weapon: MAKEUP REMOVER.
• How to Rival: You may spot a scene kid carrying a strange looking "dead" toy called a skelanimal, which may seem intimidating. Do not be unsteadied by this scenester's plushy companion; skelanimals--like the scenesters who tote them--are fairly flimsy, and they will not stunt your plan of action. Approach your scenester. The first, and most important step in rivaling this breed is to lure it away from its herd, so that it is alone. When you have accomplished this, you will sit on its stomach, and with one hand, hold it down. With your free hand you will use the aforementioned makeup remover to wipe away the caked-up matter on its face--I find the counter-clockwise method to be the most efficient. Do not forget to bring a back up bottle of remover--scene kids wear A LOT of makeup. Wash the face thoroughly with remover, and--if it is available--throw a large, neutral shirt over the flashy clothing and jewelry. The idea is that once it sees the face of a human, it will mimic the dress and behaviors of a human.

Yes, it is scary to look at, but it will help you to make a positive identification.

If, at any point, I come across a more effective method of rivaling the scene teen, I will be sure to let you know. For this reason, the scene guide is subject to improvement. I understand that the scene scenester may not be the cause of your afflictions, and therefore, future "How to Rival..." guides will feature different scenes. If you feel your problem is dire, you may write to me requesting a specific guide, and I will do my best to make it a priority. If you cannot recognize which scenester is yours, please consult YourSceneSucks.com, and after making a positive identification, notify me of the exact specifications so that I can devise a plan of rivalry.

Asian guys, let's face it: Adam Quan is not a white woman. Adam Quan will never be a white woman. Why on earth would you shell out nearly 30 dollars on his advice on how to date a white woman? Sure, sure, he might think he's all studly and conquering, but asking one of your own for tips on landing a white chick is about as useful as asking a mime about trapeze technique. To date a white woman, you have to think like one.

Therefore, with this intent, I, a bona fide white woman, offer tips on nabbing yourself that white filly you've got your eye on. Follow these simple steps, and soon you'll be fighting them off tooth and nail.

1. Watch Gossip Girl. A LOT of it.
2. Go vegan.
3. Attend readings by David Sedaris or Sarah Vowell.
4. Surprise her with a cell phone covered in Swarovski crystals. Just because she claims to hate Paris Hilton (that slut!) doesn't mean that she secretly doesn't want to live like an heiress.
5. Bake cupcakes. Any kind will do, but if you really want to wow her, try red velvet.
6. Three words: Sephora Gift Card.
7. Take her to dim sum. There's a good chance she'll end up being the only white person there--how novel!
8. Begin sentences with "In my culture" wherever possible. Absolutely guaranteed to make her swoon.

Good luck! Not that you'll need it, of course.

I know it's kind of a jerk move to dangle my new, awesome boyfriend in front of all of you like a carrot in front of a donkey with a beta carotene deficiency, but I just can't keep a love like this a secret. When Chris Dane Owens and I first locked eyes from across the crowded dining room at the Beverly Hills Benihana, I knew that my life would be forever changed, but I had no idea how profound that change would be. I know I've only known him for a week and two days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and....

Anyway, where was I? Oh right. I want to spread the joy that Chris Dane Owens has brought me, and so I humbly present a guide on how to make your very own. Consider it an early holiday gift. Of course, he'll only be a fraction of the majesty that is my Chris Dane Owens, but the slightest piece of him is better than none of all, right?

How to Make Your Own Chris Dane Owens:
A Step-By-Step Guide

1. Your Chris Dane Owens needs to feel at home when he's around you. Decorate your home in fantasy art and companion dragons to make sure he's comfortable.

2. Remember, your Chris Dane Owens is nothing without the stunning good looks of my Chris Dane Owens. While this can hardly be truly replicated, you can at the very least construct an elaborate artifice. Platinum blonde hair dye, ruby red lipstick, and a perfect five o' clock shadow are essential items, and unless you're on a budget, splurge on sapphire blue contact lenses. Rrowr!

3. Chainmail. Lots and lots of chainmail. But be sure to shave or wax your Chris Dane Owens' chest so his delicate, milky skin isn't imperiled.

4. Now, some people are not accustomed to bondage gear as daily wear, but trust me, if you want a Chris Dane Owens that is as true to life as the original, pop down to your local red light district and stock up on riding boots and gauntlets. Chris Dane Owens is never as cheery as when he is clad head to toe in soft leather.

5. A broadsword. (The sword is a metaphor.)

Follow these simple steps, and in no time at all, you'll have a Chris Dane Owens of your very own! I just know you'll have many wonderful and fulfilling years together.

(If there are further questions, consult "Shine On Me", a romance fantasy. Your heart will lead you from there.)

You've got it. I've got it. That guy that coughed on you on the subway two days ago apparently had it. The good news? We all have the flu together. The bad news? In search of relief, we're all going to be reading a lot of "medical advice."

This "medical advice" will be very boring and give all sorts of "expert" tips like "eating fruits and vegetables" and "resting."

What I want to know, in the midst of my own recovery process, is why there's so much emphasis on health information being "correct" or worse, "helpful?" Why not advise people to do things because they sound like they might work? Heck, I do that all the time. And I'm going to do it right now.

Friends, I'm going to level with you: I'm running a fever of 102. I'm likely delirious and not a reliable source of information. But you know what? I'm no "doctor." I'm not "trained in medicine." I don't "read books," technical or otherwise. That's why I think you'll trust my advice. So here are my personal thoughts on the real reasons people get the flu, and what you can do to protect yourself.

INFLUENZA: The True Causes

Culprit #1: Sleep

You know how you always seem to wake up with the flu? Those horrible aches in your neck and back, that pain in your throat like somebody kicked you in it? You'd think that tall guy from Phantasm came to your futon overnight and kicked the crap out of you. Take it from me, friends; don't go to sleep and the flu can't get you. Well, at least it can't get you while you're sleeping.

My RX: Caffeine pills; Whatever the teenagers in Nightmare on Elm Street were shooting; Crack cocaine.

Culprit #2: Hydration

Nothing can survive without water--including the flu virus. And is it just me, or is nothing more uncomfortable when you have a fever than a cold toilet seat? Kill two birds with one stone: avoid the bathroom the entire time you're sick and don't let those nasty germs get an ounce of your body fluids by not drinking anything.

My RX: An espresso and Diurex cocktail at the first sign of the sniffles.

Culprit #3: Sick Coworkers

Okay, I get it, we're all poor right now. But it's still disgusting when people go to their jobs with what appears to be the ebola virus. Since so many people lately refuse to stay home when they're down with a bug, why not boycott the whole situation and call into work yourself? If you can afford it, take October through February off. Heck, do it even if you can't afford it. Your health comes first.

My RX: Watch a lot of the Montel Williams show and work on your online Dental Hygienist certification. Looking healthy, Montel.

Culprit #4: Repressing your germs

Did you learn about diffusion in 8th grade science? Me too! That's where I developed this theory: if you've got flu germs in your body and you want to lower their concentration, spread them to the outside as much as possible. Because by doing things other so-called health "experts" recommend like "washing your hands" and "using your own toothbrush" you're only trapping the germs in your body. So get out into a public place and start coughing on things!

My RX: Share the wealth, and be generous. For example, don't just touch the buttons on a Metrocard pinpad--rest a few used tissues on them. Better yet, get curious and see what a Metrocard pinpad tastes like. Yum!

Culprit #5

Okay, so this isn't an actual cause of the flu. But I figured if you took my other advice, you've been staying home all flu season and you can't afford to miss a day now that you're actually sick. Lucky for you, nothing beats the healing power of coworker pity. Set up an array of medicine bottles and a heating blanket at your desk and watch the sympathy roll in. If no one seems to notice, visit each person's cubicle personally and clear your nasal passages in their doorway. I guarantee that eventually they'll ask what's wrong with you.

My RX: Make it clear to everyone that 1. You are at death's door, and 2. It's contagious. Only a very precise balance of their compassion and animal fear can cure your flu.

Or not. I don't know, I kind of just made that up.

That's all for now, folks. I'm due for another swig of Nyquil. Until next time, stay healthy. And if you can't manage that, at least make sure that nobody else does.

Ed. note: A safe and happy Thanksgiving from all of us at ShopWiki! Overlooked will return next week, once we've recovered from the deadly flu + tryptophan cocktail.

Sunday is my birthday and I'm sure you're all dying to know how I'll be spending my weekend. Well, look no further, friends. Welcome to heaven - learn how to party it up in style.

Nothing screams birthday like a case of fortified wine. I personally prefer Mad Dog 20/20, but have been known to dabble in Boone's Farm if I'm feeling sassy.	I had Sweet Valley High: The Board Game when I was a kid but it got sold at a garage fair. Luckily, my friend Christina was able to track down a new one for me. They'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands before I ever give it up again.	A karaoke CD featuring Michael Bolton and Bryan Adams. When I meet the man who will duet with me to these songs, I will marry him. Lord help him if he's also a Céline Dion fan; I won't be held accountable for my actions.

In our ever-evolving technological world, it becomes more and more likely that you will give online dating a chance. After all, we shop for most everything online using a highly selective screening process, so why should a potential mate be any different? Since ShopWiki does not participate in human trafficking (we tried for a bit, but those scrappy mail-order brides are notoriously tough to ship), you'll ultimately be forced to leave us for one of those matchmaking sites like eHarmony or OkCupid (just be sure and come back, hear?). At these sites, you'll be presented with a number of dating options, and sometimes the playing field can seem overwhelming. Here is where we come in.

Now, you're of course going to find a number of potential suitors who populate their profiles with photos of their life-sized treasures, whether they be dolls or stuffed animals. How are you to know which person is a keeper? To find out more, check out our guide and bag yourself the honey that's right for you!

The Tease	The Brooder
The owner of a life-sized plush dog is a like a honeybee, always flitting from one flower to the next. Eternally young at heart, the Tease doesn't like to get in too deep - but is always up for a good time!	If you're dying for a sensitive artist type, look no further than a date who proudly has this attractive life-sized corpse bride on display in his or her living room. Expect lots of heart-felt poetry from your Brooder - til death do you part!
The Nester	The Royal
The Nester will take care of you - body, mind, and soul. You won't find another as devoted and nurturing as the date with a life-sized Berenguer baby sleeping cozily in the corner. Trust me, this one's a lifer, so be sure you're ready!	A suitor who has a My Size Barbie Throne as the focus of his or her home is definitely someone used to being the center of attention. The Royal is entertaining and gregarious, and you'll never be at a loss for conversation topics - just ask about him or her!

The Warrior

A force to be reckoned with, the Warrior never backs down from a fight. Confident and adventurous, a man or woman owning a full-sized suit of armor will be a loyal and trustworthy partner - if you can manage to win the battle!

Yes, we’ve all heard these words before, but not with this sense of urgency or expectation. For whatever reasons you believe will bring it about, there is no reason why you should not be ready for it. In this post I hope to provide you with an idea of the basics you will need and want.

Firstly, and most importantly, you will need a shelter. Underground shelters are a little bit more expensive but they provide the best protection - from meteorological disasters and roving bands of heretical devil worshipers, to airborne space bacteria and the long arm of the law. I also recommend setting yourself up with a good quality composting toilet. The more you pay now for quality, the less plunging you do later, and you can use the compost for your herb garden! As for the rest it's all a matter of personal preference, so I'll let you decide on that.

Now, the next most important survival related issue: nourishment. I prefer your good old fashioned MREs. High caloric content for joules of energy, plus an excellent variety to suit any occasion! Remember to buy in bulk, because there won't be any convenience stores to shop at after the Communists take over! Ha Ha!...

You probably will want to supplement your MREs with some goodies. Cakes, puddings, meats, breads, and special bachelor treats are all exciting options. You may also want to look into alternative food and drinks. It doesn't all have to be bought food: some of the best meals I've ever had were ones that I procured and prepared myself (nucular fall-out permitting)!

For the tertiary area of concern: what to do? You will want to fill your hours with activities that don't take up a lot of space. I enjoy jigsaw puzzles; remember: the higher the piece count, the higher the fun count! FYI: Just make sure you don't lose any of the pieces though, it's a long long time to live with disappointment...

You may want to bring a pet along with you. I strongly recommend a cat or a small dog. Anything larger and they tend to take up too much space, and anything smaller really won't provide an emergency supply of food if your rations run out. And stay away from birds. I've got a little nook all set up for my Mr. Bootsy the Cat, and I've got treats for him too. Plus, he can provide his own compost, that's fun for everyone!

Now I hope that you have a better idea of what it takes to survive the upcoming Second Coming of Christ. And have fun with it! Let this post be your guide to a new world of your descendants!

Remember: Survivalism - not just for luddites and militiamen anymore!

P.S. You may want to order your items soon before the United States Postal Service is activated to do its real job. Avoid embarrassing shortages by buying in bulk.

I'm sure that it is abundantly clear by now that we here at ShopWiki are what you may call "hunk enthusiasts". We love our hunks, and we love celebrating them, but what we do not love is the exclusion factor. For one hunk to be chosen means a different hunk has been ignored, and some Fridays, it is a veritable Sophie's choice to pick a sole stud from the multitudes of choice candidates. Often, I end up sobbing at my desk from the horrible injustice of it all.

Had I known what I was getting myself into, I might have thought twice before embarking on this journey. But ah! To give this up would be giving a piece of myself up as well; it would be to ignore my true calling.

Today, however, I need a brief respite from decision-making. Therefore, instead of selecting one particular hunk, I would like to celebrate the entire pantheon of hunkdom. I have found a number of products that honor beefcakes, studs, man candy, lotharios, and heartbreakers, and I encourage all of you to shout it from the mountaintops with us: we love hunks!

Sometimes I have to sit down because I am just so overwhelmed by the mass quantities of nun merchandise that have saturated the market. I get the sweats and my head starts to spin just thinking about all I have yet to collect. It's kinda like that Socrates quote about the wiser you get the dumber you realize you are - the more nun memorabilia you collect, the more you realize is out there. Or something like that. I dunno, I didn't really pay much attention in philosophy.

Anyway, this is on my short list to collect. I personally think you can never be too thin*, too rich, or have too many nun artifacts lying around the house, and you would do well to follow my example.

Nunzilla's got a bad habit and she's not afraid to show it! Get her wound up and watch the sparks fly out of her mouth! But beware of her trusty ruler - if she gets you, it's 40 Hail Marys under her watchful eye. In the original Latin. And in the pig Latin of that. If you flee the country, she will find you.

Sisters are doing it for themselves! For those of you who would have enjoyed the TV series "Bosom Buddies" had it not been for the secular overtones, I propose this film, a delightful romp of a story where two bank robbers disguise themselves as nuns to avoid the police. Ancient studio legend has it that "Nuns on the Run" was the first film in which the title was created first - the story being only secondary. However, skeptics postulate that many a project is based around a punny name, so don't be ridiculous.

In this corner, weighing in at a slight 107 pounds, Sister Mary Lazarus is ready to defend her title as light-weight champion of the world. Fortified on a steady diet of manna and sacramental wine, her speed will amaze you as she crusades against Sister Mary Roberta, a Mother Superior with a mother of a superiority complex. Who will win? Who will win?

The product description says it best: "Sitcoms from the late sixties taught everybody an important lesson: nuns are built to fly". Sally Field herself never reached the great heights that these streamlined sisters will, not even when she won the Oscar for Norma Rae. In fact, the only way this product could be better would be if it were really NunChuck Norris.

*This statement does not reflect the views of Shopwiki, Overlooked, or its partners. Eat something, will you? Start with some Communion wafers.

Whether you love Valentine's Day or think it was invented by the candy companies to sell leftover Christmas chocolates, the odds are likely that, unless you live in a cave, you will at least once in your lifetime have to celebrate the big day. And if you're living in a cave but are reading this through the magic of the Internets, I'm sure that your cutie from Yahoo! Personals would appreciate something. Anything. Come on!

In an attempt to steal some of Renee's thunder (yeah, that's right, I said it!), I have written up a mini-guide for ways to enjoy (or cope with) Valentine's Day, no matter what your relationship status.

Single and Bitter: Bad break-up? Perpetually single? If you're in this crowd, it's probably best to stay in on Valentine's Day. If you go out to dinner by yourself or with a (heartbreakingly!) platonic friend, you risk running into nauseatingly lovey-dovey couples and potentially getting into a rumble. Instead, why not make yourself a delicious meal using your brand new Ex Knife Set? And after such a delicious meal has been thoroughly enjoyed, displace your anger on the Toothpick Holder Voodoo Doll, and collapse on the loveseat (LIES!!) to enjoy the timeless classic, "Fatal Attraction". Remember, things could always be worse.

Celebrating Singledom: If you're single, but are either looking for love or looking to celebrate love, there are a variety of gifts for you as well. First, get yourself in the mood with 20 Best Hawaiian Love Songs, and let all that romantic hula energy feed your soul as you feng shui your home to bring love, joy, and prosperity to your life. If that sounds too involved, then simply send yourself flowers or chocolates - but it's more fun ordering when "Honeymoon in Hawaii" is playing in the background. Trust me.

Traditional Couples: For the Charlotte Yorks of the world, nothing works better than the tried-and-true. Grab some bubbly and a romantic dinner (bonus points if it's home-cooked) and pack it all up in a travel picnic set. If you're the sincere type, try reading a love poem. Then get yourselves home (or just stay out in the park, who are we to judge?) and break out the Romantic Essentials Kit, packed with all the massage oils, bubble bath, and rose petals you'll need to celebrate in style. Go get 'em, tiger!

Naughtier Couples: Rrowr! It's probably best that you don't go out to dinner either: it's too risky with all those Single and Bitter types potentially running around. Besides, dinner is overrated when there are delicious-but-not-so-nutritious risqué candy hearts and candy bras to snack on. For that extra naughty but nice touch, try reliving some adolescent fantasies by playing doctor (nurse costume sold separately) or by enjoying a raucous game of Twister. Right hand red? More like caught red-handed!

If you need more suggestions on choosing the perfect present, check out ShopWiki's Gift Guide. Happy Valentine's Day from all of us at Overlooked and best of luck with the big day!

It's pretty obvious that we had to post SOMETHING pertaining to today's primaries. I'm making it simple, finding the weirdest products related to who I believe are the Top 4 candidates: Clinton, Obama, McCain and Romney.

First up is the Bargain Hillary Clinton wig from worldofwigs. Its description, "Inexpensive version of the late Mrs. President." Uhm, OK.

Or how about, Hillary Clinton Zombified? This $150 work of art will surely make you the envy of all other young/hip/zombie-obsessed dems.

Are you a tree hugging hippie? Do you love Obama? Boy do I have the product for you! The Barack Obama Tree Hugger will give you a much needed break from your own tree huggin' while telling your neighbors, "Obama loves the earth too."

This product may be something I have to purchase because pinatas are a symbol of my heritage. Yes folks, it's a Barack Obama Pinata! Show your support, or hatred(?), by taking a bat to Obama's head. What will come out? Change, of course.

John McCain used to be pretty hot. Let us not forget hottie McCain by framing this photo of the young POW.

What better way to show your support than by having your house guests sit on John McCain's face. The John McCain throw pillow can be yours for the low low price of $22.95!

These aren't no mormon underpants. The Mitt Romney thong is available from conservativebuys.com. I'm baffled.

The primaries are really "Heating Up" *gag*. Mitt Romney Hot sauce to accompany your right wings. Get it...right...wings. No? ok.

I had to sift through endless pages of crappy Romney t-shirts to bring you this post. ARGH! Super Tuesday blog, I'm done with you!

In an effort to become more of a Team player here in Shopwiki blog land, I've decided to try to post my first blog. Today's topic: Virginity. In honor of my no longer being a Shopwiki blogging virgin.

For my first (and only) trick, I will attempt to categorize 3 types of virgins and provide them with 3 useful products. Here we go!

The "Can't Get Some to Save His/Her Life" virgin.
I have been friends with plenty of these and found that eventually, things did work out for them. So, if you find yourself in this category, fear not, your time will come.

1. The E-Pen (TM) Hair Removal Gadget. Lets face it, no one wants to sleep with a person with weird hairs growing out of their <insert body part here> is that what she said?
2. D&E Pharmaceuticals Body Odor Blocker. I'm not saying you do, but you very well MIGHT smell. Trust me, that's more of a turn off than that uni-brow you're sporting. Try these, they might help.
3. 1968 Chevrolet Camaro Convertible. This works 98% of the time. I promise. I can't think of a single soul who could resist this.

The "Saving Yourself until Marriage" virgin.
I totally respect your decision. And that's all I have to say about that.

1. The Holy Bible. uhm...because this is usually the gasoline to their gas tank. You can never have too many copies.
2. Cross Timbers Twin Bed Set. I think it's safe to remove the option of having someone else in bed with you. Remove all temptation.
3. Deluxe Chastity Belt. Are you THIS hardcore? No? Well then, you're not devoted enough.

The "Forget this, it's happening TONIGHT" virgin.
YEAH! I'm super psyched for you! Go get 'em Tiger.

1. Em and lo's Rec Sex : An A-Z Guide to Hooking Up. Most of the good stuff is in section X.
2. Condoms. Be safe not sorry.
3. Premium Travel Toothbrush. Generally a good thing to carry around all of the time, this handy thing won't leave you terrified of that morning hello-g'bye kiss.

That concludes my first blog. I started a girl and left a woman. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.