Results tagged “infomercials” from Overlooked

The list of endangered species is growing, and--as we all know--it is becoming harder (and harder) to get your hands on a good, rare bird. There is a solution to this problem. Although my bird smuggling experience has not spanned seas, I have fallen upon an object that facilitates avian obtainment--and since I love to help my fellow criminal--I've decided to pass my knowledge of this object along to you.

You will succeed in your plight of bird entrapment, but please do not disclose your successes to me. What you wish to do with an endangered animal is not for me to know; my only concern is that you get it. I do not wish to read about your plans of trick teaching, and I do not want a copy of your famous Goosepacho recipe--no matter how yummy it is. Just take the advice below, and you'll have your Goose before you can whisper "bump it."

The "Bumpit"--n. a plastic hairpiece, not to be confused with pump it: to amp up the volume, e.g. "pump it up!"; bump (1): to accidentally hit someone; or bump (2): a soon-to-be celebrity child--was created for style, but soon became the smuggler's golden (or nude-ish colored) ticket. The Bumpit's extended, half-moon shaped band allows you to create a large space between hair and Bumpit, cradling the bird within. A middle head position will provide a front hair mass to sweep over both Bumpit and bird--this will allow you to sneak past any airway security, or zoo personnel.

How you will appear to others.

An Inside View.

I understand that the above bird looks a little anxious. If you are fearful of a bird squawking giveaway, simply slip a tranquilizer in their feeding time crackers, and you're good to go. They'll stay nestled in your Bumpit hair-cave, and you'll get away with your bird-loot. "But is it stylish?", you ask. The Bumpit looks great on all types of hair, and all types of Janes--it's not just for glamorous models. Watch the video below to see how Big Happie Hair can contribute positively to your image, your self-esteem, and your animal heist.

There are 3 scenes that have managed to traumatize my bathing experiences. The infamous shower scene in Hitchcock's Psycho had me pulling open the shower curtain like a schizophrenic child. Stephen King's IT turned me into an adolescent smelly hippy because I remained too afraid to bathe for fear of something coming up from the drain. The Billy Mays KABOOM infomercial has this part, at around 1:05, where he wipes away soap scum and his reflection eerily appears in the shower's faucet. When I see it, time stands still and I'm taken to a bathtub where I am draining the water. I glance up at the faucet to see Billy's face watching mine. His reflection paralyzes me as he whispers, "KABOoOooOM, I'm watching you." I gasp! Then I'm snapped back to reality. Billy Mays is incapable of whispering. *whew*

I love me some Billy Mays. The man has been captivating me since my early teens. Being a total insomniac I would gaze at the television for hours watching Billy hawk OxiClean. I remember thinking, "Damn, I wish my clothes could get that clean!" Billy Mays can get me excited about any product.
Grown-up me still suffers from insomnia and still indulges in the Billy Mays' infomercials. Because of this, I've decided to start BILLY MAYS' MONDAYS! woooo! Each week I'll pick a product from Billy's arsenal. Sadly, I have most likely owned the product or at least known someone who has. If I haven't, I'll do my best to lie to you and pretend like I have. Hell, I may even buy it in preparation for the blog! Hercules Hooks, here I come!
Naturally, the first product on Billy Mays' Mondays has to be OxiClean. This is the product that introduced us to the man, no, the mystery, that is Billy Mays. As stated previously, I watched many an OxiClean infomercial so upon leaving home at 18, I decided that OxiClean would be my very first detergent purchase. This is a true story. I'm not BS'in you. I was very excited, buying everything I needed to settle my very first apartment and even more excited about doing laundry. That's where the excitement ended. OxiClean does not make laundry fun and it's just like any other detergent aside from turning into hydrogen peroxide when it dissolves in water. I never bought OxiClean again but it will always have a special place in my heart. If it were not for this product, Billy Mays may have never touched my life and the lives of others. Who wants to live in a world like that!?