Results tagged “inner turmoil” from Overlooked

We have all come into contact with scenesters, those trend-loving chameleons (often teens) who like to shed their skin more than a rattlesnake in heat. Typically, scenesters are a non-threatening sub-species, and so, in the past, I would have suggested you ignore them. But new studies have shown that scenesters can--in extreme circumstances--inflict damage upon the earth's Chi, and as a preventative measure, one should always have a defense plan against them, and possibly, some weapons on his or her person. This is why I have begun to create the "How to Rival..." guides: a group of guides that will aid anyone who wishes to combat a particularly disgruntled (or unbearably annoying) scenester. The guides can be especially useful to parents, but can also be a go-to resource for brothers, sisters, neighbors, or random people who cross scenesters in the street.

Thanks to the lovely creator of YourSceneSucks.com, we have made phenomenal advancements in identifying all kinds of scenesters. This week's scenester, the "scene" scenester, was chosen for his (or her) amazing ability to get his face all over the internet, and hide his face in the streets. Below you will find a description of this scenester, and our respective plan of contest. Get ready people, we're entering the battlefield.

• How to Identify: The scene teen usually sports a new age mullet that he refers to as "scene bangs," fully equipped with horizontal skunk scene stripes, and/or colorful low-lights that decorate platinum blond or black dye jobs. Clothing consists of bright, tight, skin bearing separates, accessorized with cute clips, and over-the-top plastic jewelry. Look out for excessive amounts of black eyeliner, and varying eye shadows. Do not be fooled by this scenester's cunning use of foundation, scene kids DO have lips. Genders not included.
• Your Most Effective Weapon: MAKEUP REMOVER.
• How to Rival: You may spot a scene kid carrying a strange looking "dead" toy called a skelanimal, which may seem intimidating. Do not be unsteadied by this scenester's plushy companion; skelanimals--like the scenesters who tote them--are fairly flimsy, and they will not stunt your plan of action. Approach your scenester. The first, and most important step in rivaling this breed is to lure it away from its herd, so that it is alone. When you have accomplished this, you will sit on its stomach, and with one hand, hold it down. With your free hand you will use the aforementioned makeup remover to wipe away the caked-up matter on its face--I find the counter-clockwise method to be the most efficient. Do not forget to bring a back up bottle of remover--scene kids wear A LOT of makeup. Wash the face thoroughly with remover, and--if it is available--throw a large, neutral shirt over the flashy clothing and jewelry. The idea is that once it sees the face of a human, it will mimic the dress and behaviors of a human.

If, at any point, I come across a more effective method of rivaling the scene teen, I will be sure to let you know. For this reason, the scene guide is subject to improvement. I understand that the scene scenester may not be the cause of your afflictions, and therefore, future "How to Rival..." guides will feature different scenes. If you feel your problem is dire, you may write to me requesting a specific guide, and I will do my best to make it a priority. If you cannot recognize which scenester is yours, please consult YourSceneSucks.com, and after making a positive identification, notify me of the exact specifications so that I can devise a plan of rivalry.

This might immediately expose me as an outsider to the world of paintballing, for the life of me, I cannot understand why someone would spend upwards of $100 on these horrifying things known as "ghillie suits." In the spirit of being completely slack-jawed and terrified, I would simply like to present...

So this Hunk Friday choice (better late than never, eh??) is actually quite controversial for me. On one hand:

It's Uncle Jesse! Look at that hair! And nobody can sing "Michelle Smiling" like this man. NOBODY.

On the other hand:

And that's not even the half of it. Not only does John Stamos look all strange and sound all funny with his new veneers, as evidenced at Bob Saget's Roast on Comedy Central, but he was quoted in the now-defunct Jane Magazine a few years back as saying this:

No John, no!! The world doesn't need to know such horrible things about you! Why have you ruined everything?!?

This tension between Stamos as man-myth and True Colors Stamos is so great that it haunts me even in my sleep. I once dreamed that John and I were actually dating, and throughout the whole of it, I was incredibly conflicted and even weighing the pros and cons in my head. As in the previous argument, the main pro was that I was dating Uncle Jesse. Uncle Jesse! Have mercy. However the whole age difference was troubling me, and as the dream went on and I thought more about what I was doing, I became physically less attracted to him. At one point he kissed me and I was like ew, no.

But the most bizarre reason that I decided that I didn't want to be dating Stamos was that I was troubled by his then-recent breakup with Rebecca Romijn. On one hand, I was concerned that I was the rebound girlfriend, and I didn't want that to happen. Yet even more disturbing was the thought that I might be the un-rebound girlfriend. Because then I'd be tied down to Stamos for the rest of my life and I really didn't want that. I was basically ruing the day I let matters escalate and had no idea how to get out of said situation. How does one break that news to John Stamos? One doesn't. He's Uncle Jesse!!

So, gentle readers, let me put this important decision into your hands. What are your thoughts? Is Stamos your dream hunk? Or are you still just hung up on Uncle Jesse?