Results tagged “pets” from Overlooked

LIMITED TIME OFFER! Ensure your human's post rapture care for only $110 per human, per household (it's a steal!).

It has come to my attention that, in an attempt to detract publicity from money grubbing religious affiliations, a group of kindly atheists have decided to step up and grab some of the heat (and money) with their website Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is a program that (for a modest sum of $110) ensures animals a caring home after their devout owners are raptured. The Eternal Earth-Bounds may slap on an extra $15 for each additional pet, but this is an insignificant price for the assurance that, when you are gone, your furry loved ones will have a home with a confirmed animal loving atheist. If that's not a bargain, then I'm not a flamboyant Billy Goat.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is obviously on my scam-dar, but I am going to stop being cynical for a second to congratulate the entrepreneurial atheist who thought of this scheme: congratulations Sir., you get yours. We live in a tough economy, and if you can find an (albeit underhanded) way to make money, then I salute you. Unfortunately you screwed up, and it is my job to expose your screw up here:

• All Dogs Go To Heaven.
• All animals were saved on Noah's Ark (why should the rapture be any different?).
• Man HAS TO BE God's least favorite creation. Man has taken Earth's resources, drunk them in full during an all night bender, and then puked them back up on his Father's shoes; if you think about it, man is like the Elizabeth Stone of the creation family, and if anything is going to get raptured, I'd place my bets on the dog. Which leads me to my suggestion for a much improved Eternal Earth-Bound website called Eternal Earth-Bound Humans.

I wonder if any rich Cocker Spaniels would be willing to pay for this?

The Generation X of cleaning products

Taking inspiration from Renee's all-time favorite ShopWiki search, I was browsing through items labeled as "poop" this afternoon (some days are harder than others). While it's certainly true that there are a plethora of interesting poop products to be found, none intrigued me so much as the pet stain and odor remover shown at right.

Listen, I've owned pets: cats and dogs that defecate and vomit all over the place, and for no good reason other to embarrass their owner and make her look like a scumbag. Well done, pets, you get a treat. Oh, my hot date just stepped in a pool of warm urine? All in the name of seduction, friends. No, there's no time to clean that up: what, do you think I get all of these hot dates by spending time spraying and vacuuming? You were going to take your socks off anyway: problem solved.

But wait. It's precisely potty-mouthed lowlifes like me to whom the DogGone Poops, Oops, and Barf Stain Remover is marketed. You know the ad execs sitting around their big mahogany table were just itching to tap into that key under-30 demographic that is notoriously too lazy to clean house. "Dammit guys," one of them (Gil, most likely) exclaimed one day. "Cleaning can't be all about Martha Stewart and weirdo bald guys. We have to get ON THEIR LEVEL. Let's make it edgy."

With a previously unemployed tactic of vernacularization and hip-to-it-ism, Gil and company envisioned keggers and clean-up coexisting peacefully, generations of frat guys trotting out their hilariously-named all-natural spray just seconds after Rex, the house mascot, pukes all over the beer pong table after being fed too much canned bean dip. "Chill, man, it's ok," they would argue, "You go crank up the DMB. I got this."

Mission accomplished, bro. Mission accomplished.

Dinner for pets....

....Or people.

Did it ever strike you as being really odd that rabbits are often kept as both pets, which provide amusement and love to their owners, and as livestock, which provide their owners with tasty, tasty flesh?

To me, there's something very uncomfortable about playing with a cute, fuzzy creature one moment and seeing the cooked corpse of that same animal subsequently appear on my dinner plate.

But then I ran across Wysong Au Jus All Meat Canned Rabbit and found myself smitten with the cute little puppies and kittens that were depending of Mr. Bunny's flesh and entrails for sustenance.

So I got to thinking, if super cute puppies and kittens want to eat some of my lesser cute pets, I suppose I'm cool with that.

Ed note: While Bill doesn't mind feeding mammals to other mammals, he prefers not to eat them himself.