If I weren't a lady, I'd call him Babe-raham Lincoln.

In honor of America's birthday, we are delighted to celebrate Abraham Lincoln, an icon known both for his contributions to the Union and to the illustrious legacy of facial hair. This coif of beard-with-no-mustache (also known as a "chin curtain") has been an inspiration for thousands of Amish and sexual deviants everywhere (I strongly advise you against clicking that link unless you wish to have your idyllic visions of Mr. Lincoln destroyed forever).

Fun Facts About Honest Abe

From all of us at ShopWiki, we wish you a happy and safe Independence Day, and a belated Happy Canada Day to our friendly neighbo(u)rs to the north! May your holidays be as glorious as the hair atop Lincoln's chin!

These cause visions of cacti to dance through Renee's head

lengli: how do you feel about texas shaped waffles?
Renee: that makes me feel good
lengli: does it really?
lengli: doesn't it make you jealous in the slightest?
lengli: why is there no delaware shaped waffle maker?
Renee: it reminds of hanging out at waffle houses at 3am
lengli: why is texas alone worthy of such esteem?
Renee: because it's a lone star state
Renee: it's big and vast
lengli: and that makes me think of waffles
Renee: waffle houses are a staple in tejas
lengli: but wouldn't you get the impression that such waffles are full of dust and tumbleweed?
lengli: maybe an armadillo?
Renee: restaurants in texas actually serve these btw
lengli: texas waffles?
Renee: yes
lengli: oh of course they would
Renee: it's like a thing
lengli: but wouldn't steak be a better choice for things texas-shaped?
lengli: i think of texas, i think cattle
Renee: that's a good point
lengli: if there is a state that should be waffle-shaped, it would have to be one of the new england states
lengli: delicate and slightly sweet; yuppies love them

At this point, Renee forfeited the discussion in the name of her fancy-schmancy summer work schedule. Here's hoping she'll be back into her regular fighting shape for our next installment of Point-Counterpoint.

Cogito ergo sum

When a philosopher dates a jock.

"When they said God is dead, did you believe it?"
"No 'cause I prayed for us to win against Riverdale and we did."

"Is there right and wrong? Or only pleasure and pain?"
"Well you can get penalties, and Coach hates those."

"What are we all doing here?"
"Fullback."

NERDS!!!

"When a child is born does it inhale or exhale first?"
"WHO'S PREGNANT???"

"If hope was in Pandora's Box, was it a good thing?"
"I hope I get a field hockey scholarship to Yale. Coach says she'll pay a nerd to fill out the applications."

"If I ask questions without answers, does that make me smart? Or just look smart?"
"Wanna screw?"

A public service announcement from Michael Gross

Hi folks,

I'm Michael Gross, but you probably know me best from TV's "Family Ties". I'm here today to inform you about an amazing public service and opportunity for infinite personal gain. Yes, I'm here to speak to you about beards.

You see, friends, I was once like you: tall, gangly, involved in petty gang warfare. The streets of Chicago can be tough, and as an impressionable teenager, I fell into all the usual traps. For years I was without purpose or direction and I myself was convinced that I was forever lost.

Until one day.

Yes, dear readers, one fateful January day, I was walking along the Chicago River in the bitterest of colds. My skin was chapped a severe purple and I was certain that my cheeks would never warm up again. I said to myself, "Michael," I said, "There has to be a better way. There has to be a way to survive this lake effect with dignity."

Tina who?

And so it was this very day that I started growing my beard: the beard that would not only make me a star, but would also save my life. Had I not come to possess this shining beacon of facial hair, I never would have escaped the band of miscreants that had entangled me in their web of crime. With my new beard, I was rejected by these very same scoundrels as a liability: I was now identifiable, no longer just a face in the crowd. Sweet liberty was at last mine!

A few years later, I went on to the hallowed halls of Yale University to get my MFA in drama, and shortly after that, I would find my greatest role as Steven Keaton, patriarch of the Keaton clan on "Family Ties". Look at this photo at the right and I challenge you to see anything other than my glorious beard. Impossible, isn't it?

So if you're looking to change your life for the better, I urge you with all my heart: grow a beard. Do it today. The life you save could be your own.

Sincerely,
]]> http://blog.shopwiki.com/2008/06/hunk-friday-an-open-letter.html http://blog.shopwiki.com/2008/06/hunk-friday-an-open-letter.html hunks public service announcement sexiest facial hair Fri, 27 Jun 2008 12:17:24 -0500 Graham waved goodbye to the mailman and then rushed inside and up the stairs. It had arrived! It had finally, finally arrived! Ever since his wife Melinda had turned 39, she had been sulking around the house, overly conscious of the fact that she would shortly be turning 40 and thus entering "middle age". Graham, of course, thought she was absolutely insane: to him, she would always be that wiry 16-year old he had met on his first day at his new high school. Even as white-hot rage flashed in her eyes (following his customary attack of clumsiness and knocking all of her French books out of her arms), he thought she was the most perfect creature he had ever seen.

He had just known he'd have to do something to help lift her spirits - something bold, something romantic, something that would let her know exactly how much she still meant to him after all these years. Graham knew he wasn't the most suave or debonair of men, and so he had enlisted the help of Arnie, his best friend. Surely, Graham thought, surely Arnie would have an idea - Arnie was an ideas guy. He'd been to Vegas. He knew things.

Oh Arnie knew things all right. He had, without a word, pointed Graham to an online store, then left to go meet his latest squeeze at the corner bar. Graham barely noticed he'd left; he sat spellbound, numbly watching the images wash over him. Within moments, he was sure - everything here would be absolutely perfect for Melinda; he needed only to enter his credit card number.

Nobody knew romance like the Marquis de Sade

Hands shaking with anticipation of Melinda's inevitably delighted reaction, Graham tore open the cardboard shipping box and pulled out the delicately-wrapped package. Gift in hand, he tore down the stairs and ran into the darkened room in which his wife was watching her stories. She cocked her head slightly in recognition of his presence. "Pumpkin," Graham breathed, trying to contain his giddiness, "I have a gift for you."

"Huh." Melinda's eyes were still glued to the screen.

"Well, aren't you going to open it?" he asked, dangling the package in front of her face. She grabbed at in annoyance and started picking at it when the commercials came on. "Honey, I remember how much you loved studying French in high school, how much you wanted to go to the City of Lights, to Paris, France. Well today, Sugar, I brought a little of Paris, France to you!"

Melinda had gotten through the wrapping paper and was staring blankly at her gift.

"Sweetie, that there is an eye mask with the words of the Marquis de Sade on it," Graham said triumphantly. "He was French!"

What happened next was a blur, but when Graham came to, he had a black eye and the eye mask proclaiming the words of Sade, "Treat me like the whore that I know I am" shoved in his mouth. Melinda was nowhere to be found.

She's got The Look

The bass pounds away all inhibition. Sweating dancers moving to the same heartbeat. A massive social display plays out, the subtle intricacies of courtship and communication like an infinite puzzle.

She danced up on me. I noticed her jeans. I placed my hands on her hips and felt them sway under the smooth yet durable fabric. My fingers played along the solidly stitched belt loops, tugging at them playfully, testing them. The back pockets fit her more than ample form immaculately, yet had room to spare even with my hands in them. I teased out of her back pockets and around to the button-fly, I could feel her grinning against my neck. I got down on my knees as she writhed against me, like thick heavy oil on deep dark water. I ran my hands along the hem, then up along the double stitched inseam. I caressed the faded denim front of her thighs with my palms. I stood up and pressed my lips against her ear:

Goatee be thy name

One of the most beautiful facial hair stylings around is arguably the goatee. From the French Fork and the Musketeer to the Van Dyck and the soul patch, few 'dos have the capacity for not only a nearly infinite number of variations, but also for complete versatility. I daresay there is a goatee to go with every outfit, hairstyle, and moral persuasion known to man (and woman, should she be so lucky!).

When it comes to the most memorable personality-related goatee of all time, two examples run practically head to head: Star Trek's Evil Mr. Spock and Garthe Knight, Michael of Knight Rider's evil brother. Just look at the passion in their eyes - do you think that's pure coincidence, my friend? The same dedication that goes into their facial coiffures is in direct proportion to the fire that exists in their souls, such that even Vulcan emotional suppression cannot contain it.

Passionate and proud be thy game

So the next time you've forgotten to shave for a couple days, consider making the goatee your new best friend. But beware: not everyone may be able to handle the new lust for life it offers. Will you be ready?]]> http://blog.shopwiki.com/2008/06/hunk-friday-evil-is-such-a-loa.html http://blog.shopwiki.com/2008/06/hunk-friday-evil-is-such-a-loa.html david hasselhoff germans hunks sexiest facial hair vulcans Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:02:25 -0500

Just check one, ok?

Hey,

I made you a mixtape. I was going to give it to Corey to give to you but I didn't want you to think it was from him. He thinks you're cool too.

I had to request a couple of the songs over the radio cause I didn't have the albums.

The songs are pretty cool, write me a note in social studies.

1. Nirvana - About a Girl
2. Tom Tom Club - Genius of Love
3. A Tribe Called Quest - Find My Way
4. Prodigy - Charly
5. INXS - Need You Tonight
6. Metallica - Sad But True
7. Depeche Mode - Just Can't Get Enough
8. ODB - Shimmy Shimmy Ya
9. Psychedelic Furs - All That Money Wants
10. Scorpions - Still Loving You
11. Peter Tosh - Stepping Razor
12. Aretha Franklin - Never Loved a Man
13. Renegade Soundwave - Can't Get Used to Losing You
14. Erasure - Love To Hate You
15. Tears for Fears - Mad World
16. Peter Gabriel - When You're Falling
17. UB40 - Red Red Wine
18. Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All

P.S. I had to fit it on a 90 minute tape so try not to rewind it in your walkman too much or else it'll get eaten. You can like use a No. 2 pencil to rewind it, it fits perfect and saves you batteries. Are you going to prom?

1, 2, 3 strikes he's out...but not from our hearts!

As we've said previously, you're nobody until you're honored on a commemorative plate or an iron-on heat transfer. This week in memorable commemorative items, we celebrate the lighter side of crime's seedy underbelly.

Sure, Pete Rose may be the Major League leader in hits, games played, at bats, and outs. More importantly, he's a gambling man: the kind of man we can all get behind, and the kind of man of which Kenny Rogers dreamed whilst crooning the classics.

Dishonored by allegations he bet on baseball games and then tried, convicted and imprisoned for tax evasion, Rose is truly the stuff of legends and is a welcome addition to the world of commemorative plates. Snap one up while you still can, and check out your local Christmas Tree Shop for additional plates in the series (including but not limited to The Spirit of John Gotti Regarding His Family From Above, A Michael Vick Halloween, and Backstage with JonBenet and the Ramseys).]]> http://blog.shopwiki.com/2008/06/every-rose-has-its-thorn.html http://blog.shopwiki.com/2008/06/every-rose-has-its-thorn.html commemorative plate crime investment opportunities tasteless Tue, 17 Jun 2008 14:53:16 -0500

The 'stache makes the man

Hello again! It's Cindy guest posting once again on the ShopWiki blog for Hunk Friday - hoorah! This week will begin a series of posts celebrating the sexiest facial fashions throughout history. From the classic mustache to the edgiest of goatees, I intend to help raise the awareness of the glory of facial hair.

For this first post, my goal is to ease the public slowly into the world of wacky whiskers, First on the agenda, I am covering my favourite Private Dick, Magnum P.I., played by the ruggedly studly Tom Selleck. A true man's man (and woman's man), he is both approachable and irresistible with his classic mustache.

The enviable fullness of his 'stache has raised the bar on the standard of the male barb. In and of itself the mustache is an icon, with a personality and style of its own. When you boil it down, it's almost a chicken and an egg scenario: does the mustache make Tom Selleck or does Tom Selleck make the mustache?

All I know is that it works, and boy does it work well.

But who was the bigger star?

So I will leave you with an auspicious Friday the 13th send-off courtesy of my favourite mustache:

IT'S ALIIIIIIIIVE!

I write this in an attempt to clarify how and why the Dr. and I did what we did. Over the years the liberal media has tried to portray the Dr. as some kind of maniac. Amoral, psychotic, blundering, and foolish. This is not how he was at all.

I shall try to be concise with this story. Perhaps in telling it from my perspective, from the beginning, it will help bring back some of the luster to the brilliance of the Dr.'s tarnished and sullied memory.

From the very first, he was ahead of his time and treated as such out of envy or fear. He was ridiculed and labeled a lunatic by the more offensive members of European (and in some instances, American) academia. He had applied to all the great schools, hoping to gain funding to study and prove his theories of reanimation. Everywhere he turned, though, was a dead end. The only place that allowed him a small room and a meager stipend was the Sorbonne, and even then, it was only to ensure that they were able to control him and keep an eye on him.

Things did change, however. His uncle soon died, leaving him heir and sole inheritor of the Frankenstein estate. He hired me on as his assistant - not simply because I was the sole applicant for the assistant job, but in me I think he saw a kindred spirit. We were both outcasts, he with his marvelous ideas and I with my physical deformity.

I set to work. I gave all my time and energies to him to repay the kindnesses he showed me throughout our wonderful time together. I bought all we needed: beakers, test tubes, electrodes, surgical tools. Some of the things were harder to find, but nothing was impossible for my beautiful Doctor... Generators, capacitors,  scanning electron microscopes, and gas chromatographs. The tricky part was in finding the parts he needed for implanting into the subjects for his experiments.

It was in this environment that our friendship blossomed. We found solace in each other's company on those long, cold nights. He was a caring human capable of the greatest emotions. His favorite game was to chase me around the lab with whatever he could find and tease me with his unique sense of humor. Those were days that I shall always hold close to my heart.

Then came the trials where I was granted immunity for testifying against him. He never knew it, but I secretly had gone to the police with his crimes.

But he denied it all, just like he denied my love.

He moves me to poetry.

Laurence Tureaud one fateful day was born:
The youngest kid of twelve, and surely blessed.
Athletic from the start; you would have sworn
He'd dazzle young and old with his success.

Mohawk inspir'd by fighting rogues abroad,
Gold chains around his neck and jew'ls abound.
In sight of such great will, Stallone was awed;
The role of Clubber Lang to T was crowned.

You are somebody - not somebody's fool.
From him we learned the way to treat our mom,
To drink our milk and always stay in school:
All that we need to get a date for prom.

To Mr. T we send our deepest love.
So strong and tough, yet gentle like a dove.

Put them on when your kids are watching TV - they might not even notice!

Are you a frazzled parent struggling to properly clean your house? Have your children gotten too comfortable with their pampered existence? Why should they have it so good, anyway? Look at them, sitting there, watching reality television and gobbling down snacks while you ruin your knees vacuuming up crumbs and cat hair.

Why, when you were a kid, you had to walk 10 miles to school - in the snow, uphill both ways, and barefoot. Those ungrateful little bastards should be thankful they even have these microfiber cleaning slippers attached to their fat, privileged little feet. As long as they're walking that well-worn path to the refrigerator, they might as well pick up a few dust bunnies along the way.

Break the cycle. In the end, they'll thank you for all that character they've developed.

Leeloo Dallas Multipass.

Like a loving cat bringing home a mangled bird corpse, I bring you this: five movies that will enrich your life immensely and make your friends appreciate you more.

1. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai across the 8th dimension - As a young child I loved this movie greatly, it played a major part in creating the ideal of "cool" in my fresh and impressionable mind. The hero wasn't some imperfect alcoholic struggling with decisions, making moral judgments. NO! He was the epitome of cool - given it was an 80s cool, but cool nonetheless. Brilliant, cool under pressure, on the cutting edge of fashion. And this was the first movie to set the "Aliens as Rasta dudes" trend. My favorite part was the alien guy pulling on the jelly teat-like appendages in order to drive the giant meatball.

2. Ishtar - Technically this movie was a flop (as was Buckaroo Banzai), but it features all the good stuff you expect from an 80s action buddy adventure. Think Lawrence of Arabia meets Seinfeld. Hilarious dialogue and wacky situations make for a good time: I want to buy a blind camel! HA! My sister and I would play out the vultures in the desert scene every time we had a huge expanse of sand to crawl around in. And not to mention Isabelle Adjani... For you folks out there that are drawn to her like a dung beetle to a campfire: let's just say it'll do for you what the alien pulling on the jelly teat-like appendages did for me as a young boy.

3. The Fifth Element - In my personal opinion, this movie is the cream of the cream of Luc Besson's repertoire. The first time I saw this movie I really wasn't impressed, but what did I know, I was just some lame teenager. I saw this movie again later on in life and I really enjoyed it. I got all the quick one-liners and appreciated the most excellent vision of the future that it portrays. If you enjoy the technicalities of films then this is a really tight movie. Layers of details and the different story lines come together to make it great. And for all you fashionistas, Jean-Paul Gaultier did the costume design work. While you're watching try and guess who's a model and who's an actor! Really, a great movie and one of my all time favorites!!!...!

4. Last Tango In Paris - I think this is one of Marlon Brando's best roles. The dialogue is absolutely outstanding - some of the best writing I've heard yet - and I think a lot of it was improvised. It's got everything (and probably a little more) you could possibly want from a Euro flick: wild cut scenes of the movie within a movie, long soliloquies in a foreign language, and an overwhelming sense of laissez-faire malaise (Parlez Vous?) smeared all over it. I love this movie because the French avant-garde parts are really French, the American one-linerism is really American, and the absurdity of the "let pretentious art fall flat on it's face" Italian surrealism brings it all together. If none of that made any sense then your BS detector is set on high. But seriously, this movie will get a response out of you one way or another. I personally think that this is such a great comedy (Commedia dell'arte if you will) that those with less finely-tuned comedic feelers will view this strictly as a tragedy. I mean come on! "I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig" - don't tell me you wouldn't giggle a little bit at that!

5. John Carpenter's The Thing - As far as science fiction movies go, this is one of the best ones. The special effects are great non-CGI. The plot is suspenseful and thrilling, and it will leave you questioning which of your friends are human. But it has more than just that: it is also an excellent filmographic treatise on human nature. Throughout the film there is an underlying revelation of our desire to push ourselves as humans almost to the brink of destruction to better know what we are (you really should turn down your BS detector). The ending is left open, but in my opinion it is a fitting end to the discussion: only a human that isn't infected by the hyper-survivalist alien thing would take a drink of alcohol. The very artful and subtle balance between leaving an opening and firmly closing the book is what makes this movie one of my top picks.  Plus it has Wilford Brimley!

You dropped your fake doggy poo.

Honorable Mentions:

• Top Secret: A hilariously original film. Gag upon gag upon gag: you'll have to watch this movie over and over to get them all. There have been times in my life where I have quoted this movie non-stop for weeks at a time: "Souvenirs! Novelties! Party Tricks!". Actually, I would have moved this movie up and created a Top 6 list if I weren't so lazy.
• The Wonderful Ice Cream Suit: A movie that is pleasantly enjoyable while you're sober...or an absolutely ripping good time in an altered state. If you leave your preconceptions and prejudices at the concession stand, then this is bound to be a cult favorite.
• The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse: To tell you the truth, I didn't get through this one; I thought it was a blue movie. I put it up just to see how you pronounce it. I should have known it wasn't what I thought it was when Edward G. Robinson had top billing... Paging Dr. Clitterhouse, where are you Dr. Clitterhouse? Maybe I'll give it another chance, spend some time getting to know it better.
• Meetings with Remarkable Men: For all you philosophizing, esoteric knowledge types. The filming and scenery are exquisite. The underlying belief theory wasn't really for me, but maybe it'll charm you into giving away all your possessions, and then becoming disillusioned and buying more possessions on Shopwiki's Store Browser.